A Day in Review

Los Angeles Dodgers at Colorado Rockies
The Los Angeles Dodgers played one of the most boring baseball games ever. To help spice things up, The Governator shot everyone with plasma rifles and promised a return. The approval rating of his return was low.

Minnesota Twins at Detroit Tigers
I think the Tigers won. I don't feel like checking the score a second time, though. Anyway, the Tigers have been hot all season, so they did the logical thing and fired the special assistant to the general manager, Ramon Pena. It's a smart move on the Tigers' part because the GM was probably drinking too much coffee anyway.

Cincinnati Reds at Pittsburgh Pirates
The Pirates have won two consecutive games for the first time since April. Congratulations go out to both Pirates fans.

Kansas City Royals at Cleveland Indians
Despite the win, Victor Martinez continued his 0-for-21 slump. It's reportedly the worst slump since Jared from Subway's crusade to get laid.

Florida Marlins at Atlanta Braves
Yusmeiro Petit pitched three scoreless innings for the Marlins in a 6-4, extra-inning loss. Unfortunately for the Marlins, Yusmeiro didn't get the win and was detained in Atlanta on suspicions that he is a terrorist. Although Yusmeiro is not officially a sand nigger name, it sounds like it is, so he will probably be held until the Homeland Security Advisory System lowers from orange to yellow.

Boston Red Sox at Baltimore Orioles
The Orioles won 4-3. Manny Ramirez of the Red Sox sure is a douchebag, isn't he?

San Francisco Giants at Houston Astros
Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. The Giants won handily.

Texas Rangers at New York Yankees
The Yankees won 4-3, and as always, they had a Wang to thank. However, this is one of the few times when I can say that literally.

Philadelphia Phillies at Milwaukee Brewers
The Phillies manager, Charlie Manuel, replaced David Bell at third base with Abraham Nunez. Nunez was 0-for-4 in the 8-7 loss to the Brewers. Manuel's such a stupid fuck. I bet Philadelphia likes him because they can relate to him.

Chicago White Sox at Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Although the Devil Rays are obviously the better team, the White Sox got lucky this time and won 5-2.

Washington Nationals at Chicago Cubs
The Nationals lost and then fired the team's medical director. It must be relieving to the fans of Washington DC to know that they will now suck with a new doctor at the helm.

Toronto Blue Jays at Los Angeles Angels
The Blue Jays got a hat trick and defeated the Angels 3-0. Apparently L.A. doesn't have the believers that Anaheim did.

New York Mets at St. Louis Cardinals
The Cardinals won 1-0. Albert Pujols is on pace to get more runs than my dad after he eats Polish sausage.

Seattle Mariners at Oakland Athletics
Oakland won, Seattle lost, and Richie Sexson was 3-for-3 with a walk. It has Seattle saying the same thing my dad does: "I sure do love sex, son!"

San Diego Padres at Arizona Diamondbacks
Closet Watch 2006: Mike Piazza stayed in the closet, but he scored anyway.

THIS WAS A VERY PUNNY DAY IN REVIEW!