Day in Review

San Diego Padres at Chicago Cubs
Mike Piazza stayed in the closet as the Padres defeated the Cubs 10-5. Angel Guzman displayed less control than Rick Sutcliffe at a brewery.

Oakland Athletics at New York Yankees
Despite having only ten players making eight-digit salaries, the Yankees squeaked by the Athletics 2-0.

Florida Marlins at Pittsburgh Pirates
In what may be a preview of the National League Championship Series, the Pirates managed to defeated the star-studded Florida Marlins by a score of 12-9.

Kansas City Royals at Baltimore Orioles
After sweeping the Indians, the Kansas City Royals were extremely confused. "Three wins in a row? Weird. Don't worry, Kansas City. We'll get things back to normal," said Elmer Dessens. Sure enough, Dessens followed through in giving up the losing run.

Philadelphia Phillies at Cincinnati Reds
The Reds appeared lethargic, hungry, and uncoordinated in addition to displaying the inability to complete thoughts during the loss to the Phillies. To combat the predicament, they released Bong.

Detroit Tigers at Cleveland Indians
Kenny Rogers got the win for the Tigers. During the celebration, he killed four cameramen. A fine from the league is pending.

Washington Nationals at Atlanta Braves
The Washington Nationals sucked, and the Braves won.

Texas Rangers at Boston Red Sox
The game ended before it got to the sixth inning. Wily Mo Pena was obviously frustrated. "I thought this was going to be the game it finally happened," said Pena. However, once again, Pena never got to complete his mission of hitting a curveball.

New York Mets at Milwaukee Brewers
Prince Fielder set a Major League record by eating five burritos between every inning, defeating the record once held by his father. "I keep getting on base," said Fielder, "and my dad said it's important for me to keep my weight on if I want to avoid being moved to a different position."

Toronto Blue Jays at Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Paul Maurice is the new head coach, but even Maurice couldn't stop the Devil Rays from defeating the Blue Jays.

Colorado Rockies at Houston Astros
Asked why there was such a pummeling of his squad, Manager Clint Hurtle stated, "Houston just got off a really bad road trip, so we thought it would be nice if we handed one to them. They seemed appreciative."

Chicago White Sox at Minnesota Twins
The Twins beat the White Sox as Juan Castro tied his career-high, one-RBI performance.

Arizona Diamondbacks at St. Louis Cardinals
The Cardinals won. Sidney Ponson drove into a pole on the way home.

Seattle Mariners at Los Angeles Angels
Adrian Beltre hit his second homerun of the season for the Mariners, and despite the loss, it proved that he's worth every penny in his $12.8 million salary.

Los Angeles Dodgers at San Francisco Giants
Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Giants lost.