They used to belt the ankles to keep the dirt from riding up. That was baseball pants' first mistake.
It only went downhill from there.
Not even Griffey pulls them off.
Honestly, baseball. You never had any hope of being a sexy sport.
Or did you...?
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
The Pants Are Not Flattering.
You wanna know why baseball players are not sexual icons? It's the pants. They're designed to make ball players look like chumps.
They used to belt the ankles to keep the dirt from riding up. That was baseball pants' first mistake.
It only went downhill from there.
Not even Griffey pulls them off.
Honestly, baseball. You never had any hope of being a sexy sport.
Or did you...?
They used to belt the ankles to keep the dirt from riding up. That was baseball pants' first mistake.
It only went downhill from there.
Not even Griffey pulls them off.
Honestly, baseball. You never had any hope of being a sexy sport.
Or did you...?
Monday, September 11, 2006
Speaking of 9/11
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen. I would like to take this day in history to remember a big part of our history.
This day, in the early years of the 20th century, the Boston Red Sox win their last World Series before a dry spell that would last a whopping 86 years. For on September 11, 1918, the Red Sox won the World Series on the sixth game against The Chicago Cubs. And, despite winning six of the first 15 World Series, they will not win again until they beat the St. Louis Cardinals in 2004.
WHOAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEPTEMBER 11TH IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT DATE IN HISTORY FOR THIS REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This day, in the early years of the 20th century, the Boston Red Sox win their last World Series before a dry spell that would last a whopping 86 years. For on September 11, 1918, the Red Sox won the World Series on the sixth game against The Chicago Cubs. And, despite winning six of the first 15 World Series, they will not win again until they beat the St. Louis Cardinals in 2004.
WHOAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEPTEMBER 11TH IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT DATE IN HISTORY FOR THIS REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Case Study: Timmy and Tommy.
Naturally, many American parents today introduce their little boys to baseball because baseball is a sport of success. It exercises the mind and the body alike. So a recent case study has been concluded to further examine this theory.
Does playing baseball at a young age directly affect the level of success one achieves later on in life?
Timmy and Tommy grew up on the same street together. The following were the constants:
1. Environment of the two boys. (neighborhood, school, etc.)
2. The age of the two boys. (They are 3 months apart, and they stay 3 months apart as time passes.)
3. The class status of the two boys. (upper/middle/the liking)
4. The sex of the two boys. (We had them sign a contract at the age of 5 that states they are not to have a sex change while the study is being conducted.)
5. Their diets (strictly pescetarian).
The variable being that Tommy is a sissy boy and doesn't like baseball, whereas Timmy only likes sports (and beer, as we later find).
Tommy insisted on having that last photo taken. Timmy has resented Tommy ever since.
This is when they made the front page of the local enquirer
This is when they took a field trip to Saudi Arabia to play baseball with the Saudi kids.
Timmy insisted on doing this after every game to make up for the sissy-ass photos Tommy made Timmy get when they were younger.
This is them 50 years later, thus concluding the study. Look how successful they are! So even though they have two different personalities, they both found equal success, and it was probably entirely due to having played baseball since a young age.
Does playing baseball at a young age directly affect the level of success one achieves later on in life?
Timmy and Tommy grew up on the same street together. The following were the constants:
1. Environment of the two boys. (neighborhood, school, etc.)
2. The age of the two boys. (They are 3 months apart, and they stay 3 months apart as time passes.)
3. The class status of the two boys. (upper/middle/the liking)
4. The sex of the two boys. (We had them sign a contract at the age of 5 that states they are not to have a sex change while the study is being conducted.)
5. Their diets (strictly pescetarian).
The variable being that Tommy is a sissy boy and doesn't like baseball, whereas Timmy only likes sports (and beer, as we later find).
Tommy insisted on having that last photo taken. Timmy has resented Tommy ever since.
This is when they made the front page of the local enquirer
This is when they took a field trip to Saudi Arabia to play baseball with the Saudi kids.
Timmy insisted on doing this after every game to make up for the sissy-ass photos Tommy made Timmy get when they were younger.
This is them 50 years later, thus concluding the study. Look how successful they are! So even though they have two different personalities, they both found equal success, and it was probably entirely due to having played baseball since a young age.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Study: Baseball Causes Cancer
Throughout history, plenty of things have happened. One of those things is cancer. Several baseball players have had cancer, and it makes one wonder: Does baseball cancer? Well, maybe it does. Just think about it. Long hours in the sun, chewing tobacco, the use of microwaves to heat meals between games . . . It all makes sense. But is there more to it than that? Let's look at some players who have had cancer and attempt to find a common link.
The following players had cancer: Darryl Strawberry, Eric Davis, Scott Radinsky, and Brett Butler. What does this tell you? Playing for the Los Angeles Dodgers causes cancer.
You might say, "But Eli Marrero never played for the Dodgers!" Well, guess what. He was traded with J.D. Drew, who now plays for the Dodgers. And Danny Jackson? He happened to be traded for Fernando Valenzuela . . . of the Dodgers. So not only does L.A. cause cancer, but it makes cancer contagious, too.
What's that you say? Andres Galarraga never played for the Dodgers? Well, guess what. He played for the Anaheim Angels, who are now the Los Angeles Angels.
I could go on, but I don't feel like it, so I'll cut this post short. Just remember this: Los Angeles causes cancer and turns it into a communicable disease. It also slightly deflates your batting statistics.
The following players had cancer: Darryl Strawberry, Eric Davis, Scott Radinsky, and Brett Butler. What does this tell you? Playing for the Los Angeles Dodgers causes cancer.
You might say, "But Eli Marrero never played for the Dodgers!" Well, guess what. He was traded with J.D. Drew, who now plays for the Dodgers. And Danny Jackson? He happened to be traded for Fernando Valenzuela . . . of the Dodgers. So not only does L.A. cause cancer, but it makes cancer contagious, too.
What's that you say? Andres Galarraga never played for the Dodgers? Well, guess what. He played for the Anaheim Angels, who are now the Los Angeles Angels.
I could go on, but I don't feel like it, so I'll cut this post short. Just remember this: Los Angeles causes cancer and turns it into a communicable disease. It also slightly deflates your batting statistics.
Friday, May 26, 2006
How Human Evolution Changed the Mitt
This mitt came from 1870, before humans developed fingers. One day, some guy stuck his hand into his glove and realized that he had fingers. Not only was that the beginning of fingers in the human race, but it was also the beginning of baseball gloves with compartments for fingers.
... Like this guy. Then one day some guy stuck his hand into this mitt and caught a baseball and it hurt. This means that humans were beginning to develop nerves in their hands as well. So, while the glove did not protect the hand from pain while catching a line drive, it could still be used as an oven mitt. Unfortunately, it wasn't pretty enough to hang over the stove top, so it was rendered useless by the time the next glove evolved...
... Which not only protected your hands from baseballs, but the color black matched every uniform. Then one day, some guy tried catching a fly ball, but it fell right out of the mitt when he didn't bother to lock the catch with his other hand. His argument was that since humans had since developed the ability to move their hands, he shouldn't have to lock the catch with his free hand. He should just be able to close the glove with the hand it's on. But the glove is too thick.
And that explains this thing. Then one day some guy put on the mitt and was like, "Laces. Right? I mean. We need laces." Scientists are still trying to determine what significance lace-loving plays in the evolution of humans. But humans love laces these days, so this is what happened...
... And then some guy put on this mitt and was like, "Hey since we now see in colors other than black, white, and sepia, maybe we should make a mitt with a new color."
... So this mitt was made in 2000. The year humans grew a sixth finger on each hand.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Jesus Plays Baseball; Jesus is Love; Baseball is Love.
If there's anything we got from the 2004 "Jesus Chic" fashion trend, it's the affirmation that Jesus is, in fact, our homeboy. Over the past two years, some of us have dedicated our efforts into figuring out how, exactly, Jesus is our homeboy. Does he diddy up the joint with us? No. Does he boogy with us at the club every Friday? No. Does he go out to Denny's with us in the late hours of the night. Fuck no.
But does he play baseball with us? Yes. He does.
And apparently author Gary Graf has known this secret for quite sometime, as "The author has been a baseball fan for more than forty years and a Catholic a lot longer than that. He has played, coached, watched, or taught baseball since he was seven years old. He is very active in lay ministry and catechetics at his Catholic parish in Seattle, and has found both the Bible and baseball to be among the greatest teachers in his life."
For the dillio on this book, go here: http://www.liguori.org/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=3100&dc=google1
So there you have it. Jesus is our homeboy because he plays baseball with us. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if we started seeing this baseball cap on the playing field.
But does he play baseball with us? Yes. He does.
And apparently author Gary Graf has known this secret for quite sometime, as "The author has been a baseball fan for more than forty years and a Catholic a lot longer than that. He has played, coached, watched, or taught baseball since he was seven years old. He is very active in lay ministry and catechetics at his Catholic parish in Seattle, and has found both the Bible and baseball to be among the greatest teachers in his life."
For the dillio on this book, go here: http://www.liguori.org/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=3100&dc=google1
So there you have it. Jesus is our homeboy because he plays baseball with us. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if we started seeing this baseball cap on the playing field.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Conversion
This came from my LameJournal when I originally turned it into a baseball blog. I want it in this blog, though. So here it comes...
Hit this link to learn about the history of facial hair in baseball. http://www.baseballlibrary.com/baseballlibrary/submit/Kates_Maxwell1.stm
Some of my favorite facial hair in baseball:
Rollie Fingers with the handlebar.
Like we can resist Jim Grant's mutton chops
I don't know if I've ever seen a reverse goatee before.
Hit this link to learn about the history of facial hair in baseball. http://www.baseballlibrary.com/baseball
Some of my favorite facial hair in baseball:
Rollie Fingers with the handlebar.
Like we can resist Jim Grant's mutton chops
I don't know if I've ever seen a reverse goatee before.
A Day in Review
Los Angeles Dodgers at Colorado Rockies
The Los Angeles Dodgers played one of the most boring baseball games ever. To help spice things up, The Governator shot everyone with plasma rifles and promised a return. The approval rating of his return was low.
Minnesota Twins at Detroit Tigers
I think the Tigers won. I don't feel like checking the score a second time, though. Anyway, the Tigers have been hot all season, so they did the logical thing and fired the special assistant to the general manager, Ramon Pena. It's a smart move on the Tigers' part because the GM was probably drinking too much coffee anyway.
Cincinnati Reds at Pittsburgh Pirates
The Pirates have won two consecutive games for the first time since April. Congratulations go out to both Pirates fans.
Kansas City Royals at Cleveland Indians
Despite the win, Victor Martinez continued his 0-for-21 slump. It's reportedly the worst slump since Jared from Subway's crusade to get laid.
Florida Marlins at Atlanta Braves
Yusmeiro Petit pitched three scoreless innings for the Marlins in a 6-4, extra-inning loss. Unfortunately for the Marlins, Yusmeiro didn't get the win and was detained in Atlanta on suspicions that he is a terrorist. Although Yusmeiro is not officially a sand nigger name, it sounds like it is, so he will probably be held until the Homeland Security Advisory System lowers from orange to yellow.
Boston Red Sox at Baltimore Orioles
The Orioles won 4-3. Manny Ramirez of the Red Sox sure is a douchebag, isn't he?
San Francisco Giants at Houston Astros
Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. The Giants won handily.
Texas Rangers at New York Yankees
The Yankees won 4-3, and as always, they had a Wang to thank. However, this is one of the few times when I can say that literally.
Philadelphia Phillies at Milwaukee Brewers
The Phillies manager, Charlie Manuel, replaced David Bell at third base with Abraham Nunez. Nunez was 0-for-4 in the 8-7 loss to the Brewers. Manuel's such a stupid fuck. I bet Philadelphia likes him because they can relate to him.
Chicago White Sox at Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Although the Devil Rays are obviously the better team, the White Sox got lucky this time and won 5-2.
Washington Nationals at Chicago Cubs
The Nationals lost and then fired the team's medical director. It must be relieving to the fans of Washington DC to know that they will now suck with a new doctor at the helm.
Toronto Blue Jays at Los Angeles Angels
The Blue Jays got a hat trick and defeated the Angels 3-0. Apparently L.A. doesn't have the believers that Anaheim did.
New York Mets at St. Louis Cardinals
The Cardinals won 1-0. Albert Pujols is on pace to get more runs than my dad after he eats Polish sausage.
Seattle Mariners at Oakland Athletics
Oakland won, Seattle lost, and Richie Sexson was 3-for-3 with a walk. It has Seattle saying the same thing my dad does: "I sure do love sex, son!"
San Diego Padres at Arizona Diamondbacks
Closet Watch 2006: Mike Piazza stayed in the closet, but he scored anyway.
THIS WAS A VERY PUNNY DAY IN REVIEW!
The Los Angeles Dodgers played one of the most boring baseball games ever. To help spice things up, The Governator shot everyone with plasma rifles and promised a return. The approval rating of his return was low.
Minnesota Twins at Detroit Tigers
I think the Tigers won. I don't feel like checking the score a second time, though. Anyway, the Tigers have been hot all season, so they did the logical thing and fired the special assistant to the general manager, Ramon Pena. It's a smart move on the Tigers' part because the GM was probably drinking too much coffee anyway.
Cincinnati Reds at Pittsburgh Pirates
The Pirates have won two consecutive games for the first time since April. Congratulations go out to both Pirates fans.
Kansas City Royals at Cleveland Indians
Despite the win, Victor Martinez continued his 0-for-21 slump. It's reportedly the worst slump since Jared from Subway's crusade to get laid.
Florida Marlins at Atlanta Braves
Yusmeiro Petit pitched three scoreless innings for the Marlins in a 6-4, extra-inning loss. Unfortunately for the Marlins, Yusmeiro didn't get the win and was detained in Atlanta on suspicions that he is a terrorist. Although Yusmeiro is not officially a sand nigger name, it sounds like it is, so he will probably be held until the Homeland Security Advisory System lowers from orange to yellow.
Boston Red Sox at Baltimore Orioles
The Orioles won 4-3. Manny Ramirez of the Red Sox sure is a douchebag, isn't he?
San Francisco Giants at Houston Astros
Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. The Giants won handily.
Texas Rangers at New York Yankees
The Yankees won 4-3, and as always, they had a Wang to thank. However, this is one of the few times when I can say that literally.
Philadelphia Phillies at Milwaukee Brewers
The Phillies manager, Charlie Manuel, replaced David Bell at third base with Abraham Nunez. Nunez was 0-for-4 in the 8-7 loss to the Brewers. Manuel's such a stupid fuck. I bet Philadelphia likes him because they can relate to him.
Chicago White Sox at Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Although the Devil Rays are obviously the better team, the White Sox got lucky this time and won 5-2.
Washington Nationals at Chicago Cubs
The Nationals lost and then fired the team's medical director. It must be relieving to the fans of Washington DC to know that they will now suck with a new doctor at the helm.
Toronto Blue Jays at Los Angeles Angels
The Blue Jays got a hat trick and defeated the Angels 3-0. Apparently L.A. doesn't have the believers that Anaheim did.
New York Mets at St. Louis Cardinals
The Cardinals won 1-0. Albert Pujols is on pace to get more runs than my dad after he eats Polish sausage.
Seattle Mariners at Oakland Athletics
Oakland won, Seattle lost, and Richie Sexson was 3-for-3 with a walk. It has Seattle saying the same thing my dad does: "I sure do love sex, son!"
San Diego Padres at Arizona Diamondbacks
Closet Watch 2006: Mike Piazza stayed in the closet, but he scored anyway.
THIS WAS A VERY PUNNY DAY IN REVIEW!
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Spotlight!
Tomorrow I will be attending the Angels vs. Blue Jays game in Anaheim. I'm not that stoked because I don't care about either of these teams. So to get myself stoked, I've decided that I need a player to root for. So I'm going to root for the Blue Jays' catcher, Gregg Zaun for the following reasons:
1. He's number 9, which is my favorite number.
2. Three of the five letters in his first name are "g." Can you believe it?!
So here's some news on our new favorite catcher of the American League.
Also, his right calf hurts. Go Gregg!
1. He's number 9, which is my favorite number.
2. Three of the five letters in his first name are "g." Can you believe it?!
So here's some news on our new favorite catcher of the American League.
| DATE | OPP | AB | R | H | HR | RBI | BB | SO | SB | AVG |
| APR 19 | NYY | 4 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | .294 |
| APR 21 | BOS | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .278 |
| APR 23 | BOS | 4 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 3 | 0 | 1 | 0 | .273 |
| APR 27 | BAL | 2 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2 | 0 | 0 | .292 |
| APR 29 | @NYY | 4 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .286 |
| APR 30 | @NYY | 3 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | .258 |
| MAY 03 | @BOS | 5 | 0 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .278 |
| MAY 09 | OAK | 3 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 0 | .282 |
| MAY 11 | OAK | 4 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .279 |
| MAY 12 | @TB | 4 | 0 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | .298 |
 | ||||||||||
| Totals | 34 | 4 | 9 | 3 | 8 | 4 | 3 | 0 | .265 | |
| ||||||||||
Also, his right calf hurts. Go Gregg!
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Gay!
Is baseball the new homoerotic sport? Yes. Yes it is. Because, despite the spandex pants, we all know that fags don't really play football. They're too faggoty. But baseball, while a sport of tradition, is not so macho that it doesn't allow for the faggots to play. Check out this excerpt:
"For those who have marveled at baseball's homoerotic rituals—the butt-slapping, the excessive man-hugs—let Jose Canseco, author of Juiced, add a more intimate encounter. Canseco claims that while he was playing for the Oakland A's in the late 1980s, he and teammate Mark McGwire would lock themselves in a bathroom stall and inject each other with steroids. Pause on that image for a moment. Canseco was 6 feet 4 inches and weighed in the neighborhood of 250 pounds; McGwire was 6 feet 5 inches and adding beef like an Arby's franchise—for the two of them to squeeze into a men's room stall must have presented something of a geometric challenge. Now imagine McGwire gently lowering his uniform pants while Canseco ("I'm a good injector") hovers over his derriere with a syringe, and add the fact that these men are enjoying this ritual immensely, even laughing about it, and there you have an enduring image of the Bash Brothers. Back, back, back, back, back—side!"
For the full story, visit here: http://www.slate.com/id/2113745/
And now, the hard evidence (get it?):
"For those who have marveled at baseball's homoerotic rituals—the butt-slapping, the excessive man-hugs—let Jose Canseco, author of Juiced, add a more intimate encounter. Canseco claims that while he was playing for the Oakland A's in the late 1980s, he and teammate Mark McGwire would lock themselves in a bathroom stall and inject each other with steroids. Pause on that image for a moment. Canseco was 6 feet 4 inches and weighed in the neighborhood of 250 pounds; McGwire was 6 feet 5 inches and adding beef like an Arby's franchise—for the two of them to squeeze into a men's room stall must have presented something of a geometric challenge. Now imagine McGwire gently lowering his uniform pants while Canseco ("I'm a good injector") hovers over his derriere with a syringe, and add the fact that these men are enjoying this ritual immensely, even laughing about it, and there you have an enduring image of the Bash Brothers. Back, back, back, back, back—side!"
For the full story, visit here: http://www.slate.com/id/2113745/
And now, the hard evidence (get it?):
Day in Review
San Diego Padres at Chicago Cubs
Closet Watch 2006: Piazza's still in the closet.
Oakland Athletics at New York Yankees
All proceeds from Yankees games this weekend go to charity. World hunger has been exterminated.
Los Angeles Dodgers at San Francisco Giants
Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. The Giants won anyway.
Kansas City Royals at Baltimore Orioles
In an effort to compete, the Kansas City Royals have moved to AAA.
Philadelphia Phillies at Cincinnati Reds
A total of two runs were scored at Great American Ballpark. MLB is reviewing the game to make sure more than one inning was played.
Detroit Tigers at Cleveland Indians
The Tigers won 3-0. Drew Carey came out of retirement from comedy to tell a joke, but no one laughed, and he quickly returned to retirement.
Florida Marlins at Pittsburgh Pirates
A season-high 884 people saw the Florida Marlins top the Pittsburgh Pirates 4-3.
New York Mets at Milwaukee Brewers
Jose "Is my career over yet?" Lima took the mound for the Mets and helped pave the way for a 9-8 win.
Chicago White Sox at Minnesota Twins
Minnesota got the win. Ozzie Guillen affirmed the notion that he's out of his gourd.
Colorado Rockies at Houston Astros
In an interview following the game, Oswalt said, "I got kind of sick before the game. No excuses, that wasn't the problem." Will someone please define 'excuse' for him? If not, could someone get him a LiveJournal account?
Toronto Blue Jays at Tampa Bay Devil Rays
It was a battle of the two biggest baseball cities in the world, and the Blue Jays came out a winner.
Washington Nationals at Atlanta Braves
Jim Bowden is obviously guilty.
Seattle Mariners at Los Angeles Angels
The Mariners won, and the Angels decided to relocate.
Arizona Diamondbacks at St. Louis Cardinals
God called Albert Pujols and politely said, "Hey, Albert. Do you think you could stop hitting baseballs for a little while? You're kind of making me look bad." Pujols replied, "No, God. Not right now."
Closet Watch 2006: Piazza's still in the closet.
Oakland Athletics at New York Yankees
All proceeds from Yankees games this weekend go to charity. World hunger has been exterminated.
Los Angeles Dodgers at San Francisco Giants
Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. The Giants won anyway.
Kansas City Royals at Baltimore Orioles
In an effort to compete, the Kansas City Royals have moved to AAA.
Philadelphia Phillies at Cincinnati Reds
A total of two runs were scored at Great American Ballpark. MLB is reviewing the game to make sure more than one inning was played.
Detroit Tigers at Cleveland Indians
The Tigers won 3-0. Drew Carey came out of retirement from comedy to tell a joke, but no one laughed, and he quickly returned to retirement.
Florida Marlins at Pittsburgh Pirates
A season-high 884 people saw the Florida Marlins top the Pittsburgh Pirates 4-3.
New York Mets at Milwaukee Brewers
Jose "Is my career over yet?" Lima took the mound for the Mets and helped pave the way for a 9-8 win.
Chicago White Sox at Minnesota Twins
Minnesota got the win. Ozzie Guillen affirmed the notion that he's out of his gourd.
Colorado Rockies at Houston Astros
In an interview following the game, Oswalt said, "I got kind of sick before the game. No excuses, that wasn't the problem." Will someone please define 'excuse' for him? If not, could someone get him a LiveJournal account?
Toronto Blue Jays at Tampa Bay Devil Rays
It was a battle of the two biggest baseball cities in the world, and the Blue Jays came out a winner.
Washington Nationals at Atlanta Braves
Jim Bowden is obviously guilty.
Seattle Mariners at Los Angeles Angels
The Mariners won, and the Angels decided to relocate.
Arizona Diamondbacks at St. Louis Cardinals
God called Albert Pujols and politely said, "Hey, Albert. Do you think you could stop hitting baseballs for a little while? You're kind of making me look bad." Pujols replied, "No, God. Not right now."
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Day in Review
San Diego Padres at Chicago Cubs
Mike Piazza stayed in the closet as the Padres defeated the Cubs 10-5. Angel Guzman displayed less control than Rick Sutcliffe at a brewery.
Oakland Athletics at New York Yankees
Despite having only ten players making eight-digit salaries, the Yankees squeaked by the Athletics 2-0.
Florida Marlins at Pittsburgh Pirates
In what may be a preview of the National League Championship Series, the Pirates managed to defeated the star-studded Florida Marlins by a score of 12-9.
Kansas City Royals at Baltimore Orioles
After sweeping the Indians, the Kansas City Royals were extremely confused. "Three wins in a row? Weird. Don't worry, Kansas City. We'll get things back to normal," said Elmer Dessens. Sure enough, Dessens followed through in giving up the losing run.
Philadelphia Phillies at Cincinnati Reds
The Reds appeared lethargic, hungry, and uncoordinated in addition to displaying the inability to complete thoughts during the loss to the Phillies. To combat the predicament, they released Bong.
Detroit Tigers at Cleveland Indians
Kenny Rogers got the win for the Tigers. During the celebration, he killed four cameramen. A fine from the league is pending.
Washington Nationals at Atlanta Braves
The Washington Nationals sucked, and the Braves won.
Texas Rangers at Boston Red Sox
The game ended before it got to the sixth inning. Wily Mo Pena was obviously frustrated. "I thought this was going to be the game it finally happened," said Pena. However, once again, Pena never got to complete his mission of hitting a curveball.
New York Mets at Milwaukee Brewers
Prince Fielder set a Major League record by eating five burritos between every inning, defeating the record once held by his father. "I keep getting on base," said Fielder, "and my dad said it's important for me to keep my weight on if I want to avoid being moved to a different position."
Toronto Blue Jays at Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Paul Maurice is the new head coach, but even Maurice couldn't stop the Devil Rays from defeating the Blue Jays.
Colorado Rockies at Houston Astros
Asked why there was such a pummeling of his squad, Manager Clint Hurtle stated, "Houston just got off a really bad road trip, so we thought it would be nice if we handed one to them. They seemed appreciative."
Chicago White Sox at Minnesota Twins
The Twins beat the White Sox as Juan Castro tied his career-high, one-RBI performance.
Arizona Diamondbacks at St. Louis Cardinals
The Cardinals won. Sidney Ponson drove into a pole on the way home.
Seattle Mariners at Los Angeles Angels
Adrian Beltre hit his second homerun of the season for the Mariners, and despite the loss, it proved that he's worth every penny in his $12.8 million salary.
Los Angeles Dodgers at San Francisco Giants
Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Giants lost.
Mike Piazza stayed in the closet as the Padres defeated the Cubs 10-5. Angel Guzman displayed less control than Rick Sutcliffe at a brewery.
Oakland Athletics at New York Yankees
Despite having only ten players making eight-digit salaries, the Yankees squeaked by the Athletics 2-0.
Florida Marlins at Pittsburgh Pirates
In what may be a preview of the National League Championship Series, the Pirates managed to defeated the star-studded Florida Marlins by a score of 12-9.
Kansas City Royals at Baltimore Orioles
After sweeping the Indians, the Kansas City Royals were extremely confused. "Three wins in a row? Weird. Don't worry, Kansas City. We'll get things back to normal," said Elmer Dessens. Sure enough, Dessens followed through in giving up the losing run.
Philadelphia Phillies at Cincinnati Reds
The Reds appeared lethargic, hungry, and uncoordinated in addition to displaying the inability to complete thoughts during the loss to the Phillies. To combat the predicament, they released Bong.
Detroit Tigers at Cleveland Indians
Kenny Rogers got the win for the Tigers. During the celebration, he killed four cameramen. A fine from the league is pending.
Washington Nationals at Atlanta Braves
The Washington Nationals sucked, and the Braves won.
Texas Rangers at Boston Red Sox
The game ended before it got to the sixth inning. Wily Mo Pena was obviously frustrated. "I thought this was going to be the game it finally happened," said Pena. However, once again, Pena never got to complete his mission of hitting a curveball.
New York Mets at Milwaukee Brewers
Prince Fielder set a Major League record by eating five burritos between every inning, defeating the record once held by his father. "I keep getting on base," said Fielder, "and my dad said it's important for me to keep my weight on if I want to avoid being moved to a different position."
Toronto Blue Jays at Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Paul Maurice is the new head coach, but even Maurice couldn't stop the Devil Rays from defeating the Blue Jays.
Colorado Rockies at Houston Astros
Asked why there was such a pummeling of his squad, Manager Clint Hurtle stated, "Houston just got off a really bad road trip, so we thought it would be nice if we handed one to them. They seemed appreciative."
Chicago White Sox at Minnesota Twins
The Twins beat the White Sox as Juan Castro tied his career-high, one-RBI performance.
Arizona Diamondbacks at St. Louis Cardinals
The Cardinals won. Sidney Ponson drove into a pole on the way home.
Seattle Mariners at Los Angeles Angels
Adrian Beltre hit his second homerun of the season for the Mariners, and despite the loss, it proved that he's worth every penny in his $12.8 million salary.
Los Angeles Dodgers at San Francisco Giants
Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Giants lost.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Day in Review
Oakland Athletics at Toronto Blue Jays
The Blue Jays defeated the Athletics. However, it was during the hockey playoffs, and therefore, it did not count.
Houston Astros at Los Angeles Dodgers
Wandy Rodriguez pitched well for the win prior to revealing the story behind his name. "My parents thought for sure that I would die of SIDS, so they figured my name wouldn't matter. Boy, were they wrong," laughed Rodriguez.
Chicago Cubs at San Francisco Giants
The crowd gave Barry Bonds a standing ovation for his outstanding team play. Heh. But seriously, Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth, so who cares about this game?
Milwaukee Brewers at San Diego Padres
The Brewers attempted to psych out the Padres by putting the pitchers in the position players' uniforms while at the plate, but it backfired as the Brewers lost and struck out 16 times, despite the last two innings of charity issued by Padres pitchers.
Atlanta Braves at Florida Marlins
Tim Hudson embarrassed himself by issuing an earned run. "I'm disappointed by my effort, but I promise to be more focused when this warm-up game is over," said Hudson. It was later revealed by MLB that the team Hudson pitched against was actually the Florida Marlins and not a warm-up game.
Boston Red Sex at New York Yankees
Hideki Matsui broke his wrist early in the game. Following the game, he said, "Well, it could have been worse. It could have been my masturbating hand. Or Hiroshima. That would have sucked, too."
New York Mets at Philadelphia Phillies
Aaron Rowand ran into a wall in his attempt to get the "Owen Wilson" look. Shane Victorino, best known for playing on the same team as Bobby Abreu, was Rowand's replacement and got a double, a triple, and Rowand's AIDs. Good job, man.
Washington Nationals at Cincinnati Reds
Ken Griffey, Jr. hit a walk-off homerun in the 11th inning to win the game for the Reds. During the celebration, he tore a hamstring, achilles, and bicep while fracturing his forearm, pulling a groin muscle, and getting a sports hernia.
The Blue Jays defeated the Athletics. However, it was during the hockey playoffs, and therefore, it did not count.
Houston Astros at Los Angeles Dodgers
Wandy Rodriguez pitched well for the win prior to revealing the story behind his name. "My parents thought for sure that I would die of SIDS, so they figured my name wouldn't matter. Boy, were they wrong," laughed Rodriguez.
Chicago Cubs at San Francisco Giants
The crowd gave Barry Bonds a standing ovation for his outstanding team play. Heh. But seriously, Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth, so who cares about this game?
Milwaukee Brewers at San Diego Padres
The Brewers attempted to psych out the Padres by putting the pitchers in the position players' uniforms while at the plate, but it backfired as the Brewers lost and struck out 16 times, despite the last two innings of charity issued by Padres pitchers.
Atlanta Braves at Florida Marlins
Tim Hudson embarrassed himself by issuing an earned run. "I'm disappointed by my effort, but I promise to be more focused when this warm-up game is over," said Hudson. It was later revealed by MLB that the team Hudson pitched against was actually the Florida Marlins and not a warm-up game.
Boston Red Sex at New York Yankees
Hideki Matsui broke his wrist early in the game. Following the game, he said, "Well, it could have been worse. It could have been my masturbating hand. Or Hiroshima. That would have sucked, too."
New York Mets at Philadelphia Phillies
Aaron Rowand ran into a wall in his attempt to get the "Owen Wilson" look. Shane Victorino, best known for playing on the same team as Bobby Abreu, was Rowand's replacement and got a double, a triple, and Rowand's AIDs. Good job, man.
Washington Nationals at Cincinnati Reds
Ken Griffey, Jr. hit a walk-off homerun in the 11th inning to win the game for the Reds. During the celebration, he tore a hamstring, achilles, and bicep while fracturing his forearm, pulling a groin muscle, and getting a sports hernia.
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