Goodbye, Sarasota. It's Been Real Neat.

Tears are in my eyes, folks. Tears are in my eyes. I look down at my left hand to see the reminder that I've written down for myself.

Baseball Monday.

Don't forget, folks. The Cincinnati Reds will be playing their season opener at home this coming Monday.



This guy and his moustache will be throwing the first pitch.



This chick and her forehead will be singing the National Anthem with "a flyover by four F-18 jets from the Marine All-Weather Fighter Attack Squadron 224" (www.cincinnatireds.com).



And THIS DUDE will be the grand marshal of the 89th Findlay Market Opening Day Parade!

May the 2008 MLB Season bring lots of this...



Keep up the h8 in 2k8!

BASEBALL! (Monday, don't forget motherfuckers. By the way, does somebody in LA with cable wanna buy this game so I can watch it? I'll bring you beer!)

I'm Cranky.

I'm in a cranky mood. Hey! I think I'll update this stupid baseball blog!

And just to make sure it stays stupid, and also to use my crankiness in a constructive manner, this post is going to be...

BASEBALL IMAGES THAT PUT ME IN A WORSE MOOD THAN i ALREADY AM! WHEE! LET THE PUMMELING CONTINUE!

All right, this is gonna be fun entertainment for all of us. I'll be using my crankiness in such a constructive manner, we won't know what to do with ourselves except feel better about life.



Grrrr.



I don't know what's more annoying: Monkeys doing cute things, or people who think monkeys doing cute things is cute.



What's odd is that this image would normally make me so happy. But when I'm cranky this is infuriating.

Let's shake things up a bit. Now it's time for...

BASEBALL IMAGES THAT ODDLY PUT ME IN A BETTER MOOD!

Let's rock and roll.



Please hit the little girl... please hit the little girl...



Actually, now that I think of it, this image kind of pisses me off.



BUT THIS ONE DOESN'T!



I would enjoy this much more if we lived in a world where I would never have to ask myself how much Photoshop has to do with anything. Gotta have faith, Amy. Gotta have faith.



Next time I'm in a cranky mood, will someone please remind me that this image exists and that I can find it on this blog? Thanks. I could swim 80 laps on pure adrenaline after looking at this thing.

"You Play Ball Like a Girl!"

We all remember the famous line from The Sandlot. Some of us may even remember a line or two from A League of Their Own.
Umpire: Perhaps you chastised her too vehemently. Good rule of thumb: treat each of these girls as you would treat your mother.
Jimmy Dugan: Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with a little hat on?

The point is this: Whatever. I just want to update this fucking blog because everyday I don't update this blog is a little bit worse than the day before.

So I did a google image search for "baseball and animals" to see what I could come up with. Nothing. It all sucked. Every image. They all sucked. (at least, every image on the first page.)

That's when I realized that I just needed to be more honest. Baseball was uninspiring to me this past season. Fuck it.
"Uninspiring baseball" became my next search.
And for some reason, this photo came up



So I thought about the grand possibilities of writing about women in baseball in film. Or something. But that's just as dishonest as anything to me right now. I'd rather just post more images that came up in my "uninspiring baseball" Google image search!



Totally uninspiring thing about baseball. Good job, Google Images!



100% INspiring and 0% baseball. Bad job, Google Images. You're 1 for 2 right now!



Definitely "yes" on the baseball. It can go either way on the "uninspiring," though.
...
Oh what the heck; we'll give it to ya! You're 2 for 3!



Too easy. But fine.



Another one of these. All right, sure. Totes uninspiring. Let's keep going.



I'm beginning to think that Google Images doesn't know what "uninspiring" means.

Relief Pitcher Blues

"There must be some kind of way out of here,"




Said the joker to the thief.




"There's too much confusion,

I can't get no relief [...] "

finally, 2007 update on baseball.

Fuck. I hate this sport so much this year.

Edit Edit. (and then I'm over it.)

Okay,

The Land Before Time did have a commercial on it. And it was a Pizza Hut commercial. But not the one that uses "Right Field."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=5G7IdhjBkrk

Now, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has a Pizza Hut commercial on it also, and it's the one we're after, featuring the Peter, Paul, and Mary tune.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ex2DJnvyFsI&mode=related&search=

Man, my memory did some weird things to remember this crap. Thank God the internet was there to straighten this shit out for me.

...
Baseball.

EDIT!

Okay, so I did some research, and it seems as though the song "Right Field" by Peter, Paul, and Mary was on a commercial for Pizza Hut (not Coca-Cola) and was a preview on the VHS for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (not A Land Before Time.)

Whatever. I knew it was on some commercial for something you consume at birthday parties on the VHS of a movie that I watched a lot as a kid. As far as I'm concerned, I was close enough.

Baseball!

The Off-Season Blues

Description 1999, 256 pages, U.S.
Author: Tom T. Hitman
Softcover

Tommy Bruno, the aging star center fielder for the Seaside Top Socks, returns for spring training smarting from an ugly divorce and furious to discover he has been paired as roommate with hot-dog rookie Tim Weare. It isnt long, however, before Bruno discovers the advantages of rooming with a man in his sexual prime.
Soon the rest of the Top Socks get in on the action, including manager Mitch Hudson, star pitcher Roger Twain, hirsute catcher Damon Thorne, Latin sensation Hector Valenze, and the teams 18-year-old Italian batboy, Ricky Catalano
The season is full of surprises, both on and off the field, but in the end of the Top Socks` teamwork stands them in good stead, pushing them into the play-offs and a World Series showdown against their arch rivals, the Philadelphia Pilots -- whose hated star pitcher has been sleeping with Bruno`s ex-wife.

REVIEWER: Gay'n Sweaty

OMFG. Like... don't read this on the subway because you'll get a boner and it'll be so embarassing. I was looking for baseball literature so that I could have something to bond with my dad over. But I found this instead. Oops! I'M SO NAUGHTY!

Like the last one but better with any luck maybe right? Unh.

Oh, okay. The Super Bowl (Superbowl?) is this coming Sunday. The Bengals aren't playing for me to root for, and the Steelers aren't playing for me to root against, so there's just no way I care about this game.

Moving on. (To baseball.)

According to www.cincinnatireds.com, Ol' Junior (oxymoron, eh? eh?) might be moving to right field after having played 18 years (2,113 games!) as a center fielder.

Why? Oh come on. Like you don't know.
...
...
Really? Okay, well first let's take a look at what the right field position is all about. Peter, Paul, and Mary sum it up quite nicely with their tune, "Right Field."

Saturday summers when I was a kid,
We'd run to the school yard and here's what we did,
We'd pick out the captains and we'd choose up the teams,
It was always a measure of my self esteem.
Cause the fastest, the strongest played shortstop and first,
the last ones they picked were the worst.
I never needed to ask, it was sealed,
I just took up my place in right field.

Playing right field, its easy you know,
You can be awkward, you can be slow,
That's why I'm here in right field,
Just watching the dandelions grow.

Playing right field can be lonely and dull,
Little leagues never have lefties that pull,
I dream of the day, when they hit one my way,
They never did, but still I would pray,
That I'd make a fantastic catch on the run,
And not lose the ball in the sun.
And then I'd awake from this long reverie,
And pray that the ball never came out to me.
Here in ...

[solo break]

Off in the distance, the game's dragging on,
There's strikes on the batter, some runners are on,
I don't know the inning, I've forgotten the score.
The whole team is yelling and I don't know what for,
Suddenly everyone's looking at me,
My mind has been wandering, what could it be?
They point to the sky and I look up above,
And the baseball falls into my glove!

Here in right field, Its important you know,
You gotta know how to catch, you gotta know how to throw,
That's why I'm here in right field,
Just watching the dandelions grow.

You might remember this song from that... whatever that commercial was... (Coca-Cola, maybe) that came on before the previews on the VHS for... whatever that movie was... (The Land Before Time, perhaps). Anyway, good song, okay commercial, and brilliant movie (whatever it was). But more importantly, you get what right field really is.

So why are we putting Griffey where the dandelions grow? Because he hasn't played in 145 games since moving to Cincinnati in 2000. The guy's getting old. He's almost 40! Last year alone he strained a bicep tendon in his right knee, putting him on the disabled list for a month, this after having had dislocated his right toe earlier in the season. Even when he's off the field he be gettin' injured like an old fool. This holiday season he broke his left hand while at home. He's recovering well, but still. We gotta protect his ass and get him out of the center of the field.

Now I know scooting him over to the right will be awkward and sad. Kind of like watching a war veteran get senile (even if it was just the agent orange). But he'll make up for it at the plate; don't worry.

If there's any sport that's about breaking tradition, it's baseball.

Question:

Does anybody know who won the Superbowl? I get so behind in these things. Oh well. At least Spring Training starts in less than a month.

In the meantime...

I wonder if the Republicans would be more likely to address Global Warming if they knew how much it's affecting baseball. I found this article while researching the the link between the two.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/james-boyce/global-warming-destroying_b_20971.html

It's kind of a boring article, so let me see what kind of pictures I can throw in here.

The Pants Are Not Flattering.

You wanna know why baseball players are not sexual icons? It's the pants. They're designed to make ball players look like chumps.

They used to belt the ankles to keep the dirt from riding up. That was baseball pants' first mistake.



It only went downhill from there.



Not even Griffey pulls them off.



Honestly, baseball. You never had any hope of being a sexy sport.



Or did you...?

Speaking of 9/11

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen. I would like to take this day in history to remember a big part of our history.

This day, in the early years of the 20th century, the Boston Red Sox win their last World Series before a dry spell that would last a whopping 86 years. For on September 11, 1918, the Red Sox won the World Series on the sixth game against The Chicago Cubs. And, despite winning six of the first 15 World Series, they will not win again until they beat the St. Louis Cardinals in 2004.

WHOAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEPTEMBER 11TH IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT DATE IN HISTORY FOR THIS REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Case Study: Timmy and Tommy.

Naturally, many American parents today introduce their little boys to baseball because baseball is a sport of success. It exercises the mind and the body alike. So a recent case study has been concluded to further examine this theory.

Does playing baseball at a young age directly affect the level of success one achieves later on in life?

Timmy and Tommy grew up on the same street together. The following were the constants:

1. Environment of the two boys. (neighborhood, school, etc.)
2. The age of the two boys. (They are 3 months apart, and they stay 3 months apart as time passes.)
3. The class status of the two boys. (upper/middle/the liking)
4. The sex of the two boys. (We had them sign a contract at the age of 5 that states they are not to have a sex change while the study is being conducted.)
5. Their diets (strictly pescetarian).

The variable being that Tommy is a sissy boy and doesn't like baseball, whereas Timmy only likes sports (and beer, as we later find).







Tommy insisted on having that last photo taken. Timmy has resented Tommy ever since.



This is when they made the front page of the local enquirer



This is when they took a field trip to Saudi Arabia to play baseball with the Saudi kids.



Timmy insisted on doing this after every game to make up for the sissy-ass photos Tommy made Timmy get when they were younger.



This is them 50 years later, thus concluding the study. Look how successful they are! So even though they have two different personalities, they both found equal success, and it was probably entirely due to having played baseball since a young age.

Study: Baseball Causes Cancer

Throughout history, plenty of things have happened. One of those things is cancer. Several baseball players have had cancer, and it makes one wonder: Does baseball cancer? Well, maybe it does. Just think about it. Long hours in the sun, chewing tobacco, the use of microwaves to heat meals between games . . . It all makes sense. But is there more to it than that? Let's look at some players who have had cancer and attempt to find a common link.

The following players had cancer: Darryl Strawberry, Eric Davis, Scott Radinsky, and Brett Butler. What does this tell you? Playing for the Los Angeles Dodgers causes cancer.

You might say, "But Eli Marrero never played for the Dodgers!" Well, guess what. He was traded with J.D. Drew, who now plays for the Dodgers. And Danny Jackson? He happened to be traded for Fernando Valenzuela . . . of the Dodgers. So not only does L.A. cause cancer, but it makes cancer contagious, too.

What's that you say? Andres Galarraga never played for the Dodgers? Well, guess what. He played for the Anaheim Angels, who are now the Los Angeles Angels.

I could go on, but I don't feel like it, so I'll cut this post short. Just remember this: Los Angeles causes cancer and turns it into a communicable disease. It also slightly deflates your batting statistics.

How Human Evolution Changed the Mitt

This mitt came from 1870, before humans developed fingers. One day, some guy stuck his hand into his glove and realized that he had fingers. Not only was that the beginning of fingers in the human race, but it was also the beginning of baseball gloves with compartments for fingers.



... Like this guy. Then one day some guy stuck his hand into this mitt and caught a baseball and it hurt. This means that humans were beginning to develop nerves in their hands as well. So, while the glove did not protect the hand from pain while catching a line drive, it could still be used as an oven mitt. Unfortunately, it wasn't pretty enough to hang over the stove top, so it was rendered useless by the time the next glove evolved...



... Which not only protected your hands from baseballs, but the color black matched every uniform. Then one day, some guy tried catching a fly ball, but it fell right out of the mitt when he didn't bother to lock the catch with his other hand. His argument was that since humans had since developed the ability to move their hands, he shouldn't have to lock the catch with his free hand. He should just be able to close the glove with the hand it's on. But the glove is too thick.



And that explains this thing. Then one day some guy put on the mitt and was like, "Laces. Right? I mean. We need laces." Scientists are still trying to determine what significance lace-loving plays in the evolution of humans. But humans love laces these days, so this is what happened...



... And then some guy put on this mitt and was like, "Hey since we now see in colors other than black, white, and sepia, maybe we should make a mitt with a new color."



... So this mitt was made in 2000. The year humans grew a sixth finger on each hand.

Jesus Plays Baseball; Jesus is Love; Baseball is Love.

If there's anything we got from the 2004 "Jesus Chic" fashion trend, it's the affirmation that Jesus is, in fact, our homeboy. Over the past two years, some of us have dedicated our efforts into figuring out how, exactly, Jesus is our homeboy. Does he diddy up the joint with us? No. Does he boogy with us at the club every Friday? No. Does he go out to Denny's with us in the late hours of the night. Fuck no.

But does he play baseball with us? Yes. He does.



And apparently author Gary Graf has known this secret for quite sometime, as "The author has been a baseball fan for more than forty years and a Catholic a lot longer than that. He has played, coached, watched, or taught baseball since he was seven years old. He is very active in lay ministry and catechetics at his Catholic parish in Seattle, and has found both the Bible and baseball to be among the greatest teachers in his life."



For the dillio on this book, go here: http://www.liguori.org/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=3100&dc=google1

So there you have it. Jesus is our homeboy because he plays baseball with us. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if we started seeing this baseball cap on the playing field.