Friday, April 11, 2008

Those Stars...

If I were Reggie Bush, I would play with the number "256" drawn underneath my eyes in white paint on a black background. Why? Because I'm from Huntsville, Alabama, and in Huntsville the area code is "256." As a Huntsvillian, I'm of course a major fan of the Huntsville Stars.
.


That's right, that's Jose Canseco, OUR hometown hero back in 1985 before he knocked his way into the majors and stole his way into our hearts as the first member of baseball's 40/40 club. Although Jose was only on the team for a short while, his brother Ozzie was a regular in the Stars' lineup for a long time, boosting ticket sales as "the next big thing" even though he never really became one:



I'm pretty sure that Ozzie is actually striking out in that picture. Here's a look at his lifetime stats, for anyone who is interested in more than his impersonation of Jose on an episode of the Surreal Life.

But Huntsville had more than just those two Identical "Bash Brothers." In the 80s, our lineup included men like Walt Weiss, Terry Steinbeck, and the indominible Mark McGwire (look at how much more attractive he was before he got really big and grew facial hair to cover his acne):



As a kid, being a fan of the Stars was always fun because the Stars were a farm team of the Oakland Athletics, one of the best teams around. A lot of hotshot young stars buzzed through our town in those days, all with something to prove on the diamond. It made for a very entertaining minor league experience! And even when the Stars moved on, they still came back every once in a while to enchant us - Jose, I remember, showed up a few times as a first base coach when he was injured in the early 90s. The A's also came through Huntsville once a year for an exhibition game in which they'd play the Stars (always losing, gracefully). I got to go once, and I got to watch a little kid race with Rickey Henderson around the bases (Rickey didn't lose gracefully, though, either because he was told to act mean when the kid beat him or because Rickey is just like that)! That was the year that I got autographs from shifty Tony LaRussa, who was managing the A's at the time, and Goose Gossage, who was ending his career with them.

The last big star I remember playing for Huntsville was Todd van Poppel, aka "the Next Nolan Ryan," who was 11-3 with a 0.97 ERA and 170 strikeouts as a senior at Martin High School in Arlington, Texas. I think I got his autograph on about fifteen different things, including a Stars Hat that had a big white Dr. Pepper logo stamped on the bill. Van Poppel didn't really work out that well, though, and the name "Stars" started to seem like a bit of a joke as the A's drifted away from their once-lofty position on top of the AL. The most excited that I can remember anyone getting about the Stars after the early 90s came as a result of something that didn't really have anything to do with the Stars: Michael Jordan was playing baseball for the Birmingham Barons and they were stopping through town:



Do you remember the baseball scene in Space Jam? Seeing that movie made me very proud to be a Stars fan, because MJ was playing against none other than the Stars themselves!

Unfortunately, the last decade or so hasn't yielded many proud moments... in 1998, the team switched affiliation from the A's to the Brewers, a move that ownership claims was because Milwaukee is a NL team, which means that Stars fans could watch more televised games featuring their former heroes (thanks to the ubiquity of Atlanta Braves broadcast in the North Alabama region). No one really believed that explanation, though. Moving from an A's franchise to a Brewers franchise was a significant blow to our town's baseball self-esteem, and it was unquestionably a demotion for the poor Stars. As the years marched on, the Stars began to draw fewer and fewer fans... Sure, a few genuinely talented kids came through (well, Prince Fielder did), but it was nothing like the glory days - when Canseco and McGwire were on the same Stars team! When I was a child I used to play the "guess the attendance" game every time I went to the stadium, and I remember that the numbers were always around 5 or 6,000. Last September, however, I went to the Southern League North Division Championship game (the one before the "Southern League World Series"), and was surrounded by no more than 300 people. The Stars won the game, but the victory seemed hollow.

This season, the Stars decided that the way to solve their attendance woes was to radically redesign their logo, which had remained essentially the same since my childhood. Unfortunately, I've just found out that the new logo looks like this:


Major bummer, dudes.

At least they have a sense of humor, though.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Mr. Red vs. The Gapper



Get to know Gapper!

Born: Unknown (still a few years from maturity though)

Height: 5'7" (insists he's 5'7 3/4")

Weight: A few pounds short of the elevator limit

Physical Aspects: Red & Furry skin, Reds Jersey (?), "Junior" style backwards cap

Career Goals: 1 at-bat against the Phillie Phanatic, 1 pitching appearance versus Bernie Brewer, To last as long and be as beloved as Mr. Red

Wants to Meet: YOU!! (Say "Hi" at the next Reds game)

How He Got His Name: When he first got to Cincinnati, our big, red furry friend didn't have a name. At Redsfest 2002 a contest was launched and the Reds left the naming up to the fans. With over 6,000 submissions during the month of December, we were overwhelmed with the response. After sifting through all the great names, the Reds decided that the name that truly fit was "Gapper". The winner of the Name the Mascot contest received season tickets for the inaugural season in Great American Ball Park. Thanks to all those who participated and congratulations to our winners!




Get to know Mr. Red!

Height: 47 baseballs (stacked one on top another)

Weight: ?? (He can't see the numbers on the scale when he stands on top of it!)

Physical Aspects: Huge Baseball Head, Complete Reds Uniform, Signature Brand Shoes (Air Mr. Red's)

Favorite Reds Moment: There are just too many to have a favorite!!! But he loves to talk about our 1990 Championship, Johnny Bench Night, the Big Red Machine and this year's team!! (Talking about 4,192 will bring him tears of joy!)

Favorite Foods: Chili, Ribs, Hot Dogs, & Wooden Bats

Best Friends: All Reds' Fans & Gapper

Likes: Doubleheaders, New Ball Parks, Racing members of his family, and the Cincinnati Reds of course!!!

Dislikes: Rainouts, Blind Umpires, and Reds' Losses (they keep him up all night!)

Motto: "The key to a happy life is Reds baseball!"
My money goes on Mr. Red. But everyone over the age of 12 is probably voting for Mr. Red. He's just such a classic! WHERE THE HELL DID THE GAPPPPPER COME FROM? B-O-L-O-G-N-A.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Goodbye, Sarasota. It's Been Real Neat.

Tears are in my eyes, folks. Tears are in my eyes. I look down at my left hand to see the reminder that I've written down for myself.

Baseball Monday.

Don't forget, folks. The Cincinnati Reds will be playing their season opener at home this coming Monday.



This guy and his moustache will be throwing the first pitch.



This chick and her forehead will be singing the National Anthem with "a flyover by four F-18 jets from the Marine All-Weather Fighter Attack Squadron 224" (www.cincinnatireds.com).



And THIS DUDE will be the grand marshal of the 89th Findlay Market Opening Day Parade!

May the 2008 MLB Season bring lots of this...



Keep up the h8 in 2k8!

BASEBALL! (Monday, don't forget motherfuckers. By the way, does somebody in LA with cable wanna buy this game so I can watch it? I'll bring you beer!)

Friday, November 16, 2007

I'm Cranky.

I'm in a cranky mood. Hey! I think I'll update this stupid baseball blog!

And just to make sure it stays stupid, and also to use my crankiness in a constructive manner, this post is going to be...

BASEBALL IMAGES THAT PUT ME IN A WORSE MOOD THAN i ALREADY AM! WHEE! LET THE PUMMELING CONTINUE!

All right, this is gonna be fun entertainment for all of us. I'll be using my crankiness in such a constructive manner, we won't know what to do with ourselves except feel better about life.



Grrrr.



I don't know what's more annoying: Monkeys doing cute things, or people who think monkeys doing cute things is cute.



What's odd is that this image would normally make me so happy. But when I'm cranky this is infuriating.

Let's shake things up a bit. Now it's time for...

BASEBALL IMAGES THAT ODDLY PUT ME IN A BETTER MOOD!

Let's rock and roll.



Please hit the little girl... please hit the little girl...



Actually, now that I think of it, this image kind of pisses me off.



BUT THIS ONE DOESN'T!



I would enjoy this much more if we lived in a world where I would never have to ask myself how much Photoshop has to do with anything. Gotta have faith, Amy. Gotta have faith.



Next time I'm in a cranky mood, will someone please remind me that this image exists and that I can find it on this blog? Thanks. I could swim 80 laps on pure adrenaline after looking at this thing.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

"You Play Ball Like a Girl!"

We all remember the famous line from The Sandlot. Some of us may even remember a line or two from A League of Their Own.
Umpire: Perhaps you chastised her too vehemently. Good rule of thumb: treat each of these girls as you would treat your mother.
Jimmy Dugan: Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with a little hat on?


The point is this: Whatever. I just want to update this fucking blog because everyday I don't update this blog is a little bit worse than the day before.

So I did a google image search for "baseball and animals" to see what I could come up with. Nothing. It all sucked. Every image. They all sucked. (at least, every image on the first page.)

That's when I realized that I just needed to be more honest. Baseball was uninspiring to me this past season. Fuck it.
"Uninspiring baseball" became my next search.
And for some reason, this photo came up



So I thought about the grand possibilities of writing about women in baseball in film. Or something. But that's just as dishonest as anything to me right now. I'd rather just post more images that came up in my "uninspiring baseball" Google image search!



Totally uninspiring thing about baseball. Good job, Google Images!



100% INspiring and 0% baseball. Bad job, Google Images. You're 1 for 2 right now!



Definitely "yes" on the baseball. It can go either way on the "uninspiring," though.
...
Oh what the heck; we'll give it to ya! You're 2 for 3!



Too easy. But fine.



Another one of these. All right, sure. Totes uninspiring. Let's keep going.



I'm beginning to think that Google Images doesn't know what "uninspiring" means.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Relief Pitcher Blues




"There must be some kind of way out of here,"




Said the joker to the thief.




"There's too much confusion,

I can't get no relief [...] "

Saturday, June 16, 2007

finally, 2007 update on baseball.



Fuck. I hate this sport so much this year.