My Favorite Pastime: Blogging About Baseball.

Homage to Baseball Injuries.

2009-09-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, I am a Reds fan. Which also means I am not, traditionally, a fan of the Disabled List.

But I say it's time I turn that attitude around! What if I were to honor the DL for the good times it's provided instead of focusing on the negative? As I grow more and more into adulthood, perspective just gets more and more positive, eh?

Let the homage begin!

Hehe, the ball is yellow.

Hehe, the blood is red.

Hehe, those girls are laughing.

Stolen base, stolen wallet.

For God's sakes, he's just a kid!

So... I've used this one before. It's just too good. And actually, come to think of it, I think I've done a similar a similar blog post before. Oh well, injuries are fun! AND... they are now my friend. :)

I LOVE this! So inspiring! OOH! You know what it reminds me of...?

Who says the DL can't be goddamn adorable??

And finally...

I hate those days when I just can't get up!

This Day in Baseball Barely History...

2009-09-25T12:48:00.000-07:00

Source: http://www.nationalpastime.com/

September 25, 2008: "Mark Reynolds strikes out for the 200th time breaking the major league record set in 2007 by Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard. The Diamondbacks third baseman will extend the dubious mark to 204 by season's end."

But I'm sure he's a really great guy in real life!

... I said in real life. Come on, guys!

There we go! See??

Can Carl Crawford Save Baseball?

2009-05-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

Amidst the forty-eight consecutive hours of coverage the MLB network devoted recently to the suspension of Manny Ramirez, Bob Costas was the only talking head to bring up the single point that I have always chosen to make about the effect of the steroid era on baseball. That point: In the same way there was a shift from the dead ball era prior to 1919 to the 40% increase in run scoring that followed thereafter, the introduction of steroids into baseball has effectively changed the game into something unrecognizable.

"Unless you believe, that by some cosmic coincidence, that more than half of the greatest power hitters that ever lived descended upon the game in a five or six year cluster," Costas said, "Something extremely fishy was going on there that was different from the changes in other eras."

But for every baseball purist who claims the change has been for the worse, there is some blowhard who claims that the long ball puts people in the seats and is in some way better for baseball. The best isolated experiment on this was in the years 1985-1987, when Major League Baseball is widely believed to have been "juicing" the baseball. The home run totals for those years spiked from 3,258 in 1984 to a peak of 4,458 in 1987 before dropping straight back down to 3,180 in 1988.

It's hard to take an ideological stand against the home run. It would be tough to make the claim that the home run has ruined baseball. But it has, in a way, ruined baseball. Baseball didn't die at the end of the dead-ball era. Nor did it die in 1987, nor upon integration from '47 to '59, all of which represent jumps in home run totals on the above graph. Baseball never 'died.' It did, however, lose a few limbs. Among them: the triple, the swinging bunt, the hit and run, the complete game (CG), not to mention what I believe to be the most exciting play in baseball, the stolen base.

Before baseball fell in love with the home run, few players went up to the plate looking to knock it out of the park. More recently, it has been the equivalent of the Bush Administration's approach to the Iraq war: strong man, big swing, tiny ball, trying to get this thing over and done with as quickly as possible.

The answer to baseball's love fest with the home run -- the antithesis of strategy and team-oriented play -- was elucidated in something ESPN's Jon Miller brought up during Sunday night's Red Sox - Rays game. While Carl Crawford went to the plate for the second time that night, Miller noted the fact that in 1999, as a senior in high school, Crawford was offered a full football scholarship to Nebraska to run the option as a quarterback (Eric Crouch filled this role instead and went on the win the Heisman in 2001) as well as a full basketball scholarship to UCLA to be their point guard. Instead, Crawford chose to climb the minor league grease pole with the fledgling Tampa Bay Devil Rays for four years. This year he is on pace to steal 105 bases. That would be the 15th best season of all time and the 5th best since 1891. How many home runs does Crawford have? One.

This is precisely what baseball needs: more Carl Crawfords. And by that I mean more athletes. More guys who are as good in the field as they are on the bases. More well rounded players and less 50 home run/150 strikeout dopers who hide out in left field.

The fans are not likely to buy this. Most have shown that they're not all that put off by players taking steroids. Attendance has been up, even since the widespread use of steroids has been made known. But once the foundations of baseball are resurrected, and we can enjoy all of the things the home run has taken from us--baserunning, situational hitting, and the pitcher's duel--there will be a lot more "baseball" for us to enjoy.

Don't Worry Curt, Pedro's Got Game Seven This Year

2009-03-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up to the news that Curt the Hurt Schilling was planning to retire. Thankfully, he has only chosen to retire from baseball, and not from blogging. Schilling has not been relevant in baseball since his foot exploded in 2004. On the blogging front, however, Schilling has been relevant as recently as March 11, 2009, when he explained in his blog when fans should and should not ask him for an autograph (hint: not before, during, or after a baseball game).

Fuck.

2009-03-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

Another season in which you'll be hearing little from amypoo.

As Spring Training wraps up, my two least favorite teams in the entire league are first and second in the National League Spring Training standings, while the Reds sit 9 and 12 near the bottom. Griffey's gone, I'm still mourning over Larkin, and some of the kids on this team are younger than I am.

What are you DOING? If you had a baseball to grab maybe you wouldn't grab your own nipple so much! YOU BREAK MY HEART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

...

This is definitely my fault...

2009-03-03T16:41:00.000-08:00

TRAGIC ENDING FOR MINOR LEAGUER TRADED FOR BATS

"Details of his final days are elusive. His death was obscure. There is no record on where he was living, no explanation of how his body wound up at a hospital, no police report, no public record of where he is buried. Numerous telephone messages left for his family and friends were not returned.

The actual 10 bats that Odom got traded for, they’re easy to discover. An Internet search shows a picture of them, stamped with 'John Odom Trade Bat.'

They were never used."

Don't do it, Smoltz!

2009-01-08T09:18:00.000-08:00

All morning, the buzz has been growing about John Smoltz' impending move to Boston and, since Smoltz is a known blog hound, I figure this is the best place to get his attention.

I grew up a big Smoltz fan because a few of my cousins attended Waverly High School in Lansing, Michigan with him. Smoltz was a terror on the mound, though his talent was unfortunately overshadowed to a degree by the presence of teammates Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine. Despite this, he managed to reign in the 1996 Cy Young Award.

Then there is the longevity. While Maddux has retired and Glavine is still kind of on his farewell tour after rejoining the Atlanta Braves (going straight from the Mets to the Braves' disabled list), Smoltz is a top free agent prospect! And don't forget that when Tommy John surgery limited with stamina, he said, "No big deal," and just became the best save man in National League history, shattering Eric Gag-ne's record of 53 in a season. Oh, and two years later, he was back in the rotation.

What I'm saying is... it's hard not to like Smoltz. And to contrast with that, it is VERY hard to like the Boston Red Sox. How can I reconcile this other than to just plea with Smoltz to ditch the Sox. "Don't do it!" I want to shout to him, to you. Nooooooooooooooooooo!.

But reflecting upon how I cherish Smoltz and how I despise Boston, my brow furrows. It would seem that my only affinity for Smoltz is his origins in Lansing and the stories my older cousins would tell about him. And if he is anything like my cousins, then I really only know two things about him. 1) He is from Lansing, and 2) a quick John Smoltz Google Image search shows:

Apparently, he's also a homophobe.

I wonder if he knows how many homos there are in Boston? He must not, or he wouldn't have made a "handshake-deal" with the GM of the Sox.

Touching another man, John? Gross.

go yankees!

2008-06-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

one of curt schilling's favorite pastimes is ruffling the feathers of other athletes on his blogspace, www.38pitches.com. surely you remember his ruffling of the rocket.

but we all knew that major league baseball wasn't big enough to absorb all of schilling's anger. the flood gates have opened, and the first two victims are nba referee joe crawford, to whom schilling wrote, "Dude, your (sic) an NBA official, not the stinking Pope. Not one person in the arena paid 1 cent of their (sic) ticket to see you, ref the game and shut your pie hole," and then nba superstar and acquitted sex offender kobe bryant. of bryant, schilling went on a 525-word (college admissions essay length) rant about his demeanor and general lack of positive leadership. also, someone needs to start copy editing schilling's blog.

today's paper printed bryant's response to schilling's rant: Bryant responded, “Go Yankees!” and pumped his fist.

600!

2008-06-10T10:37:00.001-07:00

Minor Leaguer traded for 10 bats

2008-05-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

"They just wanted some bats, good bats -- maple bats," Broncos general manager Jose Melendez said.

NICE MOLE, UGLY!!!!!!

My new favorite AL Team

2008-05-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

I'm a National League fan, and I always have been. I hate the DH, and my favorite player of all time was excellent both on the mound and at the plate. Moreover, due to proximity (the Braves) and inheritance (the Dodgers, my father's favorite team), I've consistently had two National League teams to support. I always have trouble picking teams in the American League, though. There are teams that I hate (The Yankees, of course, and the Rangers because they are from Texas), but no team that I've ever truly loved.

Back when Ken Griffey was a Mariner, I was a stalwart for Seattle... but times changed, and 2001 (the year that, under the leadership of Ichiro Suzuki, they won 116 games but lost the ALCS to the dumb post-9/11 Yankees) was the end of my love affair with the Sea-faring compass boys.

After that, I started to pay attention to the AL Central, mostly because that division was considered to be the worst in baseball (boy how things have changed!) and I have a soft-spot for underdogs. I liked the early-decade Twins, but I must admit that because of hard feelings left over from this incident - which still ranks in my mind as the worst moment in all of baseball history - I couldn't ever fully embrace Minnesota. My real AL Central loyalties belonged to the Detroit Tigers, mostly because they were one of the teams being threatened with Contraction (in the NL, I became an Expos fan during this period as well. I seriously considered an Expos tattoo for a while). My love for the Tigers intensified during their 2003 season, when they lost more games than the '01 Mariners won. It was supremely validating when the Tigers made it to the Series in '06 under the helm of Jim Leyland (who is still cool with me because his early-90s Pirates always LOST to the Braves when it counted), but the 5-game loss to the Cardinals took the wind out of my sails, and since then it hasn't been the same... This isn't because I'm a "fair-weather" fan or anything, it's just that the magic seems gone. (Yeah I know that Dontrelle Willis is my favorite current pitcher, but Gary Sheffield kind of cancels out all of his good vibes.)

So anyway... I didn't have an AL team going into this year. I've given it some thought, though, and I've decided that I'm with Dunstone: I'm putting my weight behind the Tampa Bay Rays! After ten years of losing, losing, losing, the Rays have blossomed this year as one of those young-whippersnappery "small market" teams that surprises the shit out of you in May by competing with the Red Sox and Yankees of the world. First place! In the AL East!!!! The best record in the AL! This, my friends, is something to be celebrated:

Even the Yankees are on-board the Rays bandwagon, displaying a strange humility heretofor unseen in the Bronx. Yet the Rays are still having some attendance issues. Unfortunately, I don't think that I'll ever make it to St. Petersburg (nor would I ever really want to make it to St. Petersburg, let's be honest), so I don't think I'll get to help them out. Nevertheless, my heart and soul will be at the Trop' every night for the rest of this season, even though the Rays will be playing elsewhere for about half of the remaining games.

Post-script:

Apparently, this was a big internet phenom a couple of years ago. I didn't see it then, but I just found it as I was doing "research" for this "piece." All I can see is: which team was able to deflate this mighty mascot? None other than the Rays. You could say that the Banana got STUNG:

Bill Dunstone

2008-05-14T14:02:00.000-07:00

I'm posting this youtube video in honor of the Tampa Bay ~~Devil~~ Rays, who vaulted into First Place in the AL East last night with a victory over the Yankees.

Terry McAuliffe had this to say:

"Bill Dunstone, if he were sitting here today -- nothing's impossible! Wade Boggs, if they were with us today, they're probably both in heaven right now, probably having a scotch, looking down saying, you know what: this fight goes on. It's good for the American League. Millions of people coming out to see the games, it's exciting."

The ball keeps hitting this guy on the head!

2008-05-11T14:45:00.001-07:00

Embarrassing Pictures of Alex Knowles in Little League

2008-04-27T18:56:00.000-07:00

I have to say... I'm very disappointed that Alex hasn't added anything to this blog since he was made a member. In order to shame him, I'm posting a few embarrassing pictures of him from his little league days. I just un-earthed these on the net. Here's a baseball card from his playing days:

Although he's been attempting to keep it a secret from all of us, Alex is now coaching a team from a wealthy enclave in West LA. In this photo, you can see that Number 34 is upset to the point of crying. Alex is trying to comfort the little boy, describing the kind of party that they'll have once they leave the ballpark:

Here is another image from Alex's glory days as a player. He made the all-star team:

Bulldog

2008-04-17T18:44:00.000-07:00

Orel Hershiser, pitching in 1999 for the famous Mercury Mets

Years ago, my friends and I used to play midnight baseball for fun. Midnight baseball is like regular baseball, but it's played at night-time. Since baseballs are very small, to play midnight baseball you need to have a lighted area. That's why we played at Fern Bell park, the home of Huntsville's little league version of the American League:

Fern Bell had lighting, and our friend Evan was very tiny. He also happened to be an umpire at the park, and therefore knew his way around. Evan knew where the light switches were for the whole park, and he would shimmy through a window in order to get them lit. With the lights on, not only could we see, but we could play our games as late as 1 or 2 am without being molested by the cops (our illumination apparently lended us an aire of legitimacy). One day, Evan found a box full of old jerseys in the clubhouse, and he let us all in so that we could root through them and take what we wanted. I didn't really want any shirts, mostly because I was already 6'2" and way too tall to be able to properly wear any of them.

There was something I wanted, though, and that night at Fern Bell I felt compelled to steal it: a framed biography of Orel Hershiser, complete with pictures of him not only in his heroic days as a pitcher for the Dodgers but also decked out in his little league uniform at the age of 7 or 8. The print had been badly faded by the sun, and had obviously been hanging in that office for a long time before I took it as my own. Typing this now I kind of feel bad (perhaps someone was very sad the next morning when they found out that Orel was missing!), but at the time I was quite proud of myself... I think my dad was kind of proud, too... he helped me to hang it in a place of honor and now it's one of the only things in my bedroom at my parents' house that is the same as it was back when I lived there.

Anyhoo...

Orel Hershiser is my favorite baseball player of all time, and he has held that position for most of my baseball life (albeit there was a prolonged period of timed during which Ken Griffey Jr. reigned supreme). I like "Bulldog" because he is firmly ingrained in my mind as a symbol of my childhood... I was almost six when the Series happened, and that year the Fall Classic coincided with my family's trip to Walt Disney World (I must say that two decades later I have a firmer remembrance of the Series than I do Disney World). My father is from Los Angeles, and so he had an emotional attachment to the boys in blue. Their opponents were the Oakland Athletics, who were stocked up with offensive giants who had spent their minor league days hitting home runs out of Huntsville's own Joe W. Davis stadium.

It had to have been a tough choice for me, but I ended up siding with the Dodgers. After all, family ties are more important than hometown ones. And it was a great year to be a Dodgers fan! Behind the arm of Orel Hershiser, the Dodgers shocked the A's, who everyone had assumed would use their bats to overpower Los Angeles. The A's lost in 5 games though, and Hershiser got the Series MVP award for his absolutely heroic efforts in overtaking Oakland.

A lot of people think about Kirk Gibson and his hobble-off home run when they think of that Series. Hershiser, though, was the real hero. He pitched two complete games, and one of them was a shut-out. Not only that, but he went three for three as a hitter and got an RBI!

The '88 World Series happened after Hershiser pitched one of the greatest single seasons in Major League history, and at one point he threw 59 scoreless innings in a row, one more than Don Drysdale's 1968 record (according to Tom Lasorda, Hershiser was committed to stopping at 57 because he didn't want to break the record of a former Dodger, but Drysdale gave him the nod and he ended up beating the record by one as a courtesy). This season alone would be good enough for me to vote him into the hall of fame, but apparently that isn't very likely. Hershiser had a good season in '89, but after that he got injured and wasn't really same. He had a few good seasons with the Indians in the mid-nineties (most notably in 1995, when he won the ALCS MVP on the way to the Indians World Series loss to the Braves).

What's more important about Orel Hershiser, however, is the fact that he seems like a genuinely nice fellow. I have this commemorative tape of the '88 series, and it features interviews with all of the players and managers... all of them come off kind of like louses, especially the A's players. Canseco looks rough, and Lasorda looks worse (you certainly wouldn't want to meet either in an alley!) Orel Hershiser, on the other hand, is a model American! Appearing almost ego-less, Hershiser comes off kind of like an excited kid, untouched by the spotlight, as he describes the Series with words like "swell." Unfortunately I couldn't find this interview on youtube, so I had to settle for a latter-day interview from a poker tournament. The poker interview doesn't really do him justice, mostly because he uses too much jargon. Nonetheless, we can tell how sweet of a man he is. Check out at the end when he talks about having all the other poker stars sign a baseball for him!!!! What a class act:

Anyway, the point is that Orel Hershiser isn't only a great pitcher but a grade-a charmer, and that's why he's my favorite player ever. If you have any doubt at all about the charm, I suggest you watch this:

Game Over

2008-04-14T08:44:00.000-07:00

I posted this on the Qwesi long ago, but due to the subject matter I thought it would be a good thing to repeat on this blog. It's a youtube video of a Nintendo RBI Baseball reinactment of that astounding tenth inning of the 1986 World Series, Game 6. You know, the one where the BoSox choke?

A-Rosing to the Occasion in April

2008-04-13T19:27:00.000-07:00

This day in baseball history! (Taken from this website.)

April 13

1963 Pete Rose triples off of Pirate pitcher Bob Friend to collect his first major league hit.
1984 On the same date he got his first major league hit 21-years earlier, Pete Rose, as a member of the Expos, doubles off Phillie hurler Jerry Koosman for his 4000th hit.

April 14

1941 Pete Rose was born. (He's an Aries.)

Aprill 22

1990 Rose pleaded guilty to two charges of filing false income tax returns not showing income he received from selling autographs, memorabilia, and from horse racing winnings. (taken from wikipedia, of course.)

So Typical.

2008-04-12T01:03:00.000-07:00

*Central*	W	L	PCT	GB
St. Louis	8	3	.727	---
Chicago	6	4	.600	1.5
Milwaukee	6	4	.600	1.5
Cincinnati	6	5	.545	2.0
Pittsburgh	4	6	.400	3.5
Houston	3	8	.273	5.0

I can't wait for the part of the season when the Reds start to tie Milwaukee for second place, knocking Chicago into third. And I bet the rest of you just can't wait until Milwaukee knocks St. Louis into a close second place. I won't be as excited as you, of course, since this will mean Chicago will be in third, Houston in fourth, Cincinnati in fifth, and Pittsburgh in last.

I'm going to bed.

Those Stars...

2008-04-11T21:20:00.001-07:00

If I were Reggie Bush, I would play with the number "256" drawn underneath my eyes in white paint on a black background. Why? Because I'm from Huntsville, Alabama, and in Huntsville the area code is "256." As a Huntsvillian, I'm of course a major fan of the Huntsville Stars.

That's right, that's Jose Canseco, OUR hometown hero back in 1985 before he knocked his way into the majors and stole his way into our hearts as the first member of baseball's 40/40 club. Although Jose was only on the team for a short while, his brother Ozzie was a regular in the Stars' lineup for a long time, boosting ticket sales as "the next big thing" even though he never really became one:

I'm pretty sure that Ozzie is actually striking out in that picture. Here's a look at his lifetime stats, for anyone who is interested in more than his impersonation of Jose on an episode of the Surreal Life.

But Huntsville had more than just those two Identical "Bash Brothers." In the 80s, our lineup included men like Walt Weiss, Terry Steinbeck, and the indominible Mark McGwire (look at how much more attractive he was before he got really big and grew facial hair to cover his acne):

As a kid, being a fan of the Stars was always fun because the Stars were a farm team of the Oakland Athletics, one of the best teams around. A lot of hotshot young stars buzzed through our town in those days, all with something to prove on the diamond. It made for a very entertaining minor league experience! And even when the Stars moved on, they still came back every once in a while to enchant us - Jose, I remember, showed up a few times as a first base coach when he was injured in the early 90s. The A's also came through Huntsville once a year for an exhibition game in which they'd play the Stars (always losing, gracefully). I got to go once, and I got to watch a little kid race with Rickey Henderson around the bases (Rickey didn't lose gracefully, though, either because he was told to act mean when the kid beat him or because Rickey is just like that)! That was the year that I got autographs from shifty Tony LaRussa, who was managing the A's at the time, and Goose Gossage, who was ending his career with them.

The last big star I remember playing for Huntsville was Todd van Poppel, aka "the Next Nolan Ryan," who was 11-3 with a 0.97 ERA and 170 strikeouts as a senior at Martin High School in Arlington, Texas. I think I got his autograph on about fifteen different things, including a Stars Hat that had a big white Dr. Pepper logo stamped on the bill. Van Poppel didn't really work out that well, though, and the name "Stars" started to seem like a bit of a joke as the A's drifted away from their once-lofty position on top of the AL. The most excited that I can remember anyone getting about the Stars after the early 90s came as a result of something that didn't really have anything to do with the Stars: Michael Jordan was playing baseball for the Birmingham Barons and they were stopping through town:

Do you remember the baseball scene in Space Jam? Seeing that movie made me very proud to be a Stars fan, because MJ was playing against none other than the Stars themselves!

Unfortunately, the last decade or so hasn't yielded many proud moments... in 1998, the team switched affiliation from the A's to the Brewers, a move that ownership claims was because Milwaukee is a NL team, which means that Stars fans could watch more televised games featuring their former heroes (thanks to the ubiquity of Atlanta Braves broadcast in the North Alabama region). No one really believed that explanation, though. Moving from an A's franchise to a Brewers franchise was a significant blow to our town's baseball self-esteem, and it was unquestionably a demotion for the poor Stars. As the years marched on, the Stars began to draw fewer and fewer fans... Sure, a few genuinely talented kids came through (well, Prince Fielder did), but it was nothing like the glory days - when Canseco and McGwire were on the same Stars team! When I was a child I used to play the "guess the attendance" game every time I went to the stadium, and I remember that the numbers were always around 5 or 6,000. Last September, however, I went to the Southern League North Division Championship game (the one before the "Southern League World Series"), and was surrounded by no more than 300 people. The Stars won the game, but the victory seemed hollow.

This season, the Stars decided that the way to solve their attendance woes was to radically redesign their logo, which had remained essentially the same since my childhood. Unfortunately, I've just found out that the new logo looks like this:

Major bummer, dudes.

At least they have a sense of humor, though.

Mr. Red vs. The Gapper

2008-04-08T18:32:00.001-07:00

Get to know Gapper!

Born: Unknown (still a few years from maturity though)

Height: 5'7" (insists he's 5'7 3/4")

Weight: A few pounds short of the elevator limit

Physical Aspects: Red & Furry skin, Reds Jersey (?), "Junior" style backwards cap

Career Goals: 1 at-bat against the Phillie Phanatic, 1 pitching appearance versus Bernie Brewer, To last as long and be as beloved as Mr. Red

Wants to Meet: YOU!! (Say "Hi" at the next Reds game)

How He Got His Name: When he first got to Cincinnati, our big, red furry friend didn't have a name. At Redsfest 2002 a contest was launched and the Reds left the naming up to the fans. With over 6,000 submissions during the month of December, we were overwhelmed with the response. After sifting through all the great names, the Reds decided that the name that truly fit was "Gapper". The winner of the Name the Mascot contest received season tickets for the inaugural season in Great American Ball Park. Thanks to all those who participated and congratulations to our winners!

Get to know Mr. Red!

Height: 47 baseballs (stacked one on top another)

Weight: ?? (He can't see the numbers on the scale when he stands on top of it!)

Physical Aspects: Huge Baseball Head, Complete Reds Uniform, Signature Brand Shoes (Air Mr. Red's)

Favorite Reds Moment: There are just too many to have a favorite!!! But he loves to talk about our 1990 Championship, Johnny Bench Night, the Big Red Machine and this year's team!! (Talking about 4,192 will bring him tears of joy!)

Favorite Foods: Chili, Ribs, Hot Dogs, & Wooden Bats

Best Friends: All Reds' Fans & Gapper

Likes: Doubleheaders, New Ball Parks, Racing members of his family, and the Cincinnati Reds of course!!!

Dislikes: Rainouts, Blind Umpires, and Reds' Losses (they keep him up all night!)

Motto: "The key to a happy life is Reds baseball!"

My money goes on Mr. Red. But everyone over the age of 12 is probably voting for Mr. Red. He's just such a classic! WHERE THE HELL DID THE GAPPPPPER COME FROM? B-O-L-O-G-N-A.

Goodbye, Sarasota. It's Been Real Neat.

2008-03-27T18:45:00.000-07:00

Tears are in my eyes, folks. Tears are in my eyes. I look down at my left hand to see the reminder that I've written down for myself.

Baseball Monday.

Don't forget, folks. The Cincinnati Reds will be playing their season opener at home this coming Monday.

This guy and his moustache will be throwing the first pitch.

This chick and her forehead will be singing the National Anthem with "a flyover by four F-18 jets from the Marine All-Weather Fighter Attack Squadron 224" (www.cincinnatireds.com).

And THIS DUDE will be the grand marshal of the 89th Findlay Market Opening Day Parade!

May the 2008 MLB Season bring lots of this...

Keep up the h8 in 2k8!

BASEBALL! (Monday, don't forget motherfuckers. By the way, does somebody in LA with cable wanna buy this game so I can watch it? I'll bring you beer!)

I'm Cranky.

2007-11-16T14:24:00.000-08:00

I'm in a cranky mood. Hey! I think I'll update this stupid baseball blog!

And just to make sure it stays stupid, and also to use my crankiness in a constructive manner, this post is going to be...

BASEBALL IMAGES THAT PUT ME IN A WORSE MOOD THAN i ALREADY AM! WHEE! LET THE PUMMELING CONTINUE!

All right, this is gonna be fun entertainment for all of us. I'll be using my crankiness in such a constructive manner, we won't know what to do with ourselves except feel better about life.

Grrrr.

I don't know what's more annoying: Monkeys doing cute things, or people who think monkeys doing cute things is cute.

What's odd is that this image would normally make me so happy. But when I'm cranky this is infuriating.

Let's shake things up a bit. Now it's time for...

BASEBALL IMAGES THAT ODDLY PUT ME IN A BETTER MOOD!

Let's rock and roll.

Please hit the little girl... please hit the little girl...

Actually, now that I think of it, this image kind of pisses me off.

BUT THIS ONE DOESN'T!

I would enjoy this much more if we lived in a world where I would never have to ask myself how much Photoshop has to do with anything. Gotta have faith, Amy. Gotta have faith.

Next time I'm in a cranky mood, will someone please remind me that this image exists and that I can find it on this blog? Thanks. I could swim 80 laps on pure adrenaline after looking at this thing.

"You Play Ball Like a Girl!"

2007-11-04T16:20:00.000-08:00

We all remember the famous line from The Sandlot. Some of us may even remember a line or two from A League of Their Own.
Umpire: Perhaps you chastised her too vehemently. Good rule of thumb: treat each of these girls as you would treat your mother.
Jimmy Dugan: Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with a little hat on?

The point is this: Whatever. I just want to update this fucking blog because everyday I don't update this blog is a little bit worse than the day before.

So I did a google image search for "baseball and animals" to see what I could come up with. Nothing. It all sucked. Every image. They all sucked. (at least, every image on the first page.)

That's when I realized that I just needed to be more honest. Baseball was uninspiring to me this past season. Fuck it.
"Uninspiring baseball" became my next search.
And for some reason, this photo came up

So I thought about the grand possibilities of writing about women in baseball in film. Or something. But that's just as dishonest as anything to me right now. I'd rather just post more images that came up in my "uninspiring baseball" Google image search!

Totally uninspiring thing about baseball. Good job, Google Images!

100% INspiring and 0% baseball. Bad job, Google Images. You're 1 for 2 right now!

Definitely "yes" on the baseball. It can go either way on the "uninspiring," though.
...
Oh what the heck; we'll give it to ya! You're 2 for 3!

Too easy. But fine.

Another one of these. All right, sure. Totes uninspiring. Let's keep going.

I'm beginning to think that Google Images doesn't know what "uninspiring" means.

Relief Pitcher Blues

2007-07-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

"There must be some kind of way out of here,"

Said the joker to the thief.

"There's too much confusion,

I can't get no relief [...] "

finally, 2007 update on baseball.

2007-06-16T02:17:00.000-07:00

Fuck. I hate this sport so much this year.

Edit Edit. (and then I'm over it.)

2007-01-30T18:47:00.000-08:00

Okay,

The Land Before Time did have a commercial on it. And it was a Pizza Hut commercial. But not the one that uses "Right Field."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=5G7IdhjBkrk

Now, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has a Pizza Hut commercial on it also, and it's the one we're after, featuring the Peter, Paul, and Mary tune.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ex2DJnvyFsI&mode=related&search=

Man, my memory did some weird things to remember this crap. Thank God the internet was there to straighten this shit out for me.

...
Baseball.

EDIT!

2007-01-30T18:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I did some research, and it seems as though the song "Right Field" by Peter, Paul, and Mary was on a commercial for Pizza Hut (not Coca-Cola) and was a preview on the VHS for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (not A Land Before Time.)

Whatever. I knew it was on some commercial for something you consume at birthday parties on the VHS of a movie that I watched a lot as a kid. As far as I'm concerned, I was close enough.

Baseball!

The Off-Season Blues

2007-01-30T13:59:00.000-08:00

Description 1999, 256 pages, U.S.
Author: Tom T. Hitman
Softcover

Tommy Bruno, the aging star center fielder for the Seaside Top Socks, returns for spring training smarting from an ugly divorce and furious to discover he has been paired as roommate with hot-dog rookie Tim Weare. It isnt long, however, before Bruno discovers the advantages of rooming with a man in his sexual prime.
Soon the rest of the Top Socks get in on the action, including manager Mitch Hudson, star pitcher Roger Twain, hirsute catcher Damon Thorne, Latin sensation Hector Valenze, and the teams 18-year-old Italian batboy, Ricky Catalano
The season is full of surprises, both on and off the field, but in the end of the Top Socks` teamwork stands them in good stead, pushing them into the play-offs and a World Series showdown against their arch rivals, the Philadelphia Pilots -- whose hated star pitcher has been sleeping with Bruno`s ex-wife.

REVIEWER: Gay'n Sweaty

OMFG. Like... don't read this on the subway because you'll get a boner and it'll be so embarassing. I was looking for baseball literature so that I could have something to bond with my dad over. But I found this instead. Oops! I'M SO NAUGHTY!

Like the last one but better with any luck maybe right? Unh.

2007-01-29T18:39:00.000-08:00

Oh, okay. The Super Bowl (Superbowl?) is this coming Sunday. The Bengals aren't playing for me to root for, and the Steelers aren't playing for me to root against, so there's just no way I care about this game.

Moving on. (To baseball.)

According to www.cincinnatireds.com, Ol' Junior (oxymoron, eh? eh?) might be moving to right field after having played 18 years (2,113 games!) as a center fielder.

Why? Oh come on. Like you don't know.
...
...
Really? Okay, well first let's take a look at what the right field position is all about. Peter, Paul, and Mary sum it up quite nicely with their tune, "Right Field."

Saturday summers when I was a kid,
We'd run to the school yard and here's what we did,
We'd pick out the captains and we'd choose up the teams,
It was always a measure of my self esteem.
Cause the fastest, the strongest played shortstop and first,
the last ones they picked were the worst.
I never needed to ask, it was sealed,
I just took up my place in right field.

Playing right field, its easy you know,
You can be awkward, you can be slow,
That's why I'm here in right field,
Just watching the dandelions grow.

Playing right field can be lonely and dull,
Little leagues never have lefties that pull,
I dream of the day, when they hit one my way,
They never did, but still I would pray,
That I'd make a fantastic catch on the run,
And not lose the ball in the sun.
And then I'd awake from this long reverie,
And pray that the ball never came out to me.
Here in ...

[solo break]

Off in the distance, the game's dragging on,
There's strikes on the batter, some runners are on,
I don't know the inning, I've forgotten the score.
The whole team is yelling and I don't know what for,
Suddenly everyone's looking at me,
My mind has been wandering, what could it be?
They point to the sky and I look up above,
And the baseball falls into my glove!

Here in right field, Its important you know,
You gotta know how to catch, you gotta know how to throw,
That's why I'm here in right field,
Just watching the dandelions grow.

You might remember this song from that... whatever that commercial was... (Coca-Cola, maybe) that came on before the previews on the VHS for... whatever that movie was... (The Land Before Time, perhaps). Anyway, good song, okay commercial, and brilliant movie (whatever it was). But more importantly, you get what right field really is.

So why are we putting Griffey where the dandelions grow? Because he hasn't played in 145 games since moving to Cincinnati in 2000. The guy's getting old. He's almost 40! Last year alone he strained a bicep tendon in his right knee, putting him on the disabled list for a month, this after having had dislocated his right toe earlier in the season. Even when he's off the field he be gettin' injured like an old fool. This holiday season he broke his left hand while at home. He's recovering well, but still. We gotta protect his ass and get him out of the center of the field.

Now I know scooting him over to the right will be awkward and sad. Kind of like watching a war veteran get senile (even if it was just the agent orange). But he'll make up for it at the plate; don't worry.

If there's any sport that's about breaking tradition, it's baseball.

Question:

2007-01-25T12:57:00.000-08:00

Does anybody know who won the Superbowl? I get so behind in these things. Oh well. At least Spring Training starts in less than a month.

In the meantime...

I wonder if the Republicans would be more likely to address Global Warming if they knew how much it's affecting baseball. I found this article while researching the the link between the two.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/james-boyce/global-warming-destroying_b_20971.html

It's kind of a boring article, so let me see what kind of pictures I can throw in here.

The Pants Are Not Flattering.

2006-11-07T13:50:00.000-08:00

You wanna know why baseball players are not sexual icons? It's the pants. They're designed to make ball players look like chumps.

They used to belt the ankles to keep the dirt from riding up. That was baseball pants' first mistake.

It only went downhill from there.

Not even Griffey pulls them off.

Honestly, baseball. You never had any hope of being a sexy sport.

Or did you...?

Speaking of 9/11

2006-09-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen. I would like to take this day in history to remember a big part of our history.

This day, in the early years of the 20th century, the Boston Red Sox win their last World Series before a dry spell that would last a whopping 86 years. For on September 11, 1918, the Red Sox won the World Series on the sixth game against The Chicago Cubs. And, despite winning six of the first 15 World Series, they will not win again until they beat the St. Louis Cardinals in 2004.

WHOAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEPTEMBER 11TH IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT DATE IN HISTORY FOR THIS REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Case Study: Timmy and Tommy.

2006-07-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

Naturally, many American parents today introduce their little boys to baseball because baseball is a sport of success. It exercises the mind and the body alike. So a recent case study has been concluded to further examine this theory.

Does playing baseball at a young age directly affect the level of success one achieves later on in life?

Timmy and Tommy grew up on the same street together. The following were the constants:

1. Environment of the two boys. (neighborhood, school, etc.)
2. The age of the two boys. (They are 3 months apart, and they stay 3 months apart as time passes.)
3. The class status of the two boys. (upper/middle/the liking)
4. The sex of the two boys. (We had them sign a contract at the age of 5 that states they are not to have a sex change while the study is being conducted.)
5. Their diets (strictly pescetarian).

The variable being that Tommy is a sissy boy and doesn't like baseball, whereas Timmy only likes sports (and beer, as we later find).

Tommy insisted on having that last photo taken. Timmy has resented Tommy ever since.

This is when they made the front page of the local enquirer

This is when they took a field trip to Saudi Arabia to play baseball with the Saudi kids.

Timmy insisted on doing this after every game to make up for the sissy-ass photos Tommy made Timmy get when they were younger.

This is them 50 years later, thus concluding the study. Look how successful they are! So even though they have two different personalities, they both found equal success, and it was probably entirely due to having played baseball since a young age.

Study: Baseball Causes Cancer

2006-05-31T14:36:00.000-07:00

Throughout history, plenty of things have happened. One of those things is cancer. Several baseball players have had cancer, and it makes one wonder: Does baseball cancer? Well, maybe it does. Just think about it. Long hours in the sun, chewing tobacco, the use of microwaves to heat meals between games . . . It all makes sense. But is there more to it than that? Let's look at some players who have had cancer and attempt to find a common link.

The following players had cancer: Darryl Strawberry, Eric Davis, Scott Radinsky, and Brett Butler. What does this tell you? Playing for the Los Angeles Dodgers causes cancer.

You might say, "But Eli Marrero never played for the Dodgers!" Well, guess what. He was traded with J.D. Drew, who now plays for the Dodgers. And Danny Jackson? He happened to be traded for Fernando Valenzuela . . . of the Dodgers. So not only does L.A. cause cancer, but it makes cancer contagious, too.

What's that you say? Andres Galarraga never played for the Dodgers? Well, guess what. He played for the Anaheim Angels, who are now the Los Angeles Angels.

I could go on, but I don't feel like it, so I'll cut this post short. Just remember this: Los Angeles causes cancer and turns it into a communicable disease. It also slightly deflates your batting statistics.

How Human Evolution Changed the Mitt

2006-05-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

This mitt came from 1870, before humans developed fingers. One day, some guy stuck his hand into his glove and realized that he had fingers. Not only was that the beginning of fingers in the human race, but it was also the beginning of baseball gloves with compartments for fingers.

... Like this guy. Then one day some guy stuck his hand into this mitt and caught a baseball and it hurt. This means that humans were beginning to develop nerves in their hands as well. So, while the glove did not protect the hand from pain while catching a line drive, it could still be used as an oven mitt. Unfortunately, it wasn't pretty enough to hang over the stove top, so it was rendered useless by the time the next glove evolved...

... Which not only protected your hands from baseballs, but the color black matched every uniform. Then one day, some guy tried catching a fly ball, but it fell right out of the mitt when he didn't bother to lock the catch with his other hand. His argument was that since humans had since developed the ability to move their hands, he shouldn't have to lock the catch with his free hand. He should just be able to close the glove with the hand it's on. But the glove is too thick.

And that explains this thing. Then one day some guy put on the mitt and was like, "Laces. Right? I mean. We need laces." Scientists are still trying to determine what significance lace-loving plays in the evolution of humans. But humans love laces these days, so this is what happened...

... And then some guy put on this mitt and was like, "Hey since we now see in colors other than black, white, and sepia, maybe we should make a mitt with a new color."

... So this mitt was made in 2000. The year humans grew a sixth finger on each hand.

Jesus Plays Baseball; Jesus is Love; Baseball is Love.

2006-05-20T15:29:00.000-07:00

If there's anything we got from the 2004 "Jesus Chic" fashion trend, it's the affirmation that Jesus is, in fact, our homeboy. Over the past two years, some of us have dedicated our efforts into figuring out how, exactly, Jesus is our homeboy. Does he diddy up the joint with us? No. Does he boogy with us at the club every Friday? No. Does he go out to Denny's with us in the late hours of the night. Fuck no.

But does he play baseball with us? Yes. He does.

And apparently author Gary Graf has known this secret for quite sometime, as "The author has been a baseball fan for more than forty years and a Catholic a lot longer than that. He has played, coached, watched, or taught baseball since he was seven years old. He is very active in lay ministry and catechetics at his Catholic parish in Seattle, and has found both the Bible and baseball to be among the greatest teachers in his life."

For the dillio on this book, go here: http://www.liguori.org/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=3100&dc=google1

So there you have it. Jesus is our homeboy because he plays baseball with us. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if we started seeing this baseball cap on the playing field.

Conversion

2006-05-17T23:03:00.000-07:00

This came from my LameJournal when I originally turned it into a baseball blog. I want it in this blog, though. So here it comes...

Hit this link to learn about the history of facial hair in baseball. http://www.baseballlibrary.com/baseballlibrary/submit/Kates_Maxwell1.stm

Some of my favorite facial hair in baseball:

Rollie Fingers with the handlebar.

Like we can resist Jim Grant's mutton chops

I don't know if I've ever seen a reverse goatee before.

A Day in Review

2006-05-17T22:45:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles Dodgers at Colorado Rockies
The Los Angeles Dodgers played one of the most boring baseball games ever. To help spice things up, The Governator shot everyone with plasma rifles and promised a return. The approval rating of his return was low.

Minnesota Twins at Detroit Tigers
I think the Tigers won. I don't feel like checking the score a second time, though. Anyway, the Tigers have been hot all season, so they did the logical thing and fired the special assistant to the general manager, Ramon Pena. It's a smart move on the Tigers' part because the GM was probably drinking too much coffee anyway.

Cincinnati Reds at Pittsburgh Pirates
The Pirates have won two consecutive games for the first time since April. Congratulations go out to both Pirates fans.

Kansas City Royals at Cleveland Indians
Despite the win, Victor Martinez continued his 0-for-21 slump. It's reportedly the worst slump since Jared from Subway's crusade to get laid.

Florida Marlins at Atlanta Braves
Yusmeiro Petit pitched three scoreless innings for the Marlins in a 6-4, extra-inning loss. Unfortunately for the Marlins, Yusmeiro didn't get the win and was detained in Atlanta on suspicions that he is a terrorist. Although Yusmeiro is not officially a sand nigger name, it sounds like it is, so he will probably be held until the Homeland Security Advisory System lowers from orange to yellow.

Boston Red Sox at Baltimore Orioles
The Orioles won 4-3. Manny Ramirez of the Red Sox sure is a douchebag, isn't he?

San Francisco Giants at Houston Astros
Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. The Giants won handily.

Texas Rangers at New York Yankees
The Yankees won 4-3, and as always, they had a Wang to thank. However, this is one of the few times when I can say that literally.

Philadelphia Phillies at Milwaukee Brewers
The Phillies manager, Charlie Manuel, replaced David Bell at third base with Abraham Nunez. Nunez was 0-for-4 in the 8-7 loss to the Brewers. Manuel's such a stupid fuck. I bet Philadelphia likes him because they can relate to him.

Chicago White Sox at Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Although the Devil Rays are obviously the better team, the White Sox got lucky this time and won 5-2.

Washington Nationals at Chicago Cubs
The Nationals lost and then fired the team's medical director. It must be relieving to the fans of Washington DC to know that they will now suck with a new doctor at the helm.

Toronto Blue Jays at Los Angeles Angels
The Blue Jays got a hat trick and defeated the Angels 3-0. Apparently L.A. doesn't have the believers that Anaheim did.

New York Mets at St. Louis Cardinals
The Cardinals won 1-0. Albert Pujols is on pace to get more runs than my dad after he eats Polish sausage.

Seattle Mariners at Oakland Athletics
Oakland won, Seattle lost, and Richie Sexson was 3-for-3 with a walk. It has Seattle saying the same thing my dad does: "I sure do love sex, son!"

San Diego Padres at Arizona Diamondbacks
Closet Watch 2006: Mike Piazza stayed in the closet, but he scored anyway.

THIS WAS A VERY PUNNY DAY IN REVIEW!

Spotlight!

2006-05-16T15:07:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I will be attending the Angels vs. Blue Jays game in Anaheim. I'm not that stoked because I don't care about either of these teams. So to get myself stoked, I've decided that I need a player to root for. So I'm going to root for the Blue Jays' catcher, Gregg Zaun for the following reasons:

1. He's number 9, which is my favorite number.
2. Three of the five letters in his first name are "g." Can you believe it?!

So here's some news on our new favorite catcher of the American League.

DATE	OPP	AB	R	H	HR	RBI	BB	SO	SB	AVG
APR 19	NYY	4	0	0	0	0	0	1	0	.294
APR 21	BOS	1	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	.278
APR 23	BOS	4	1	1	1	3	0	1	0	.273
APR 27	BAL	2	1	1	0	1	2	0	0	.292
APR 29	@NYY	4	0	1	0	1	0	0	0	.286
APR 30	@NYY	3	0	0	0	0	1	0	0	.258
MAY 03	@BOS	5	0	2	0	0	0	0	0	.278
MAY 09	OAK	3	1	1	1	2	1	1	0	.282
MAY 11	OAK	4	1	1	1	1	0	0	0	.279
MAY 12	@TB	4	0	2	0	0	0	0	0	.298

Totals		34	4	9	3	8	4	3	0	.265

Also, his right calf hurts. Go Gregg!

Gay!

2006-05-14T12:12:00.000-07:00

Is baseball the new homoerotic sport? Yes. Yes it is. Because, despite the spandex pants, we all know that fags don't really play football. They're too faggoty. But baseball, while a sport of tradition, is not so macho that it doesn't allow for the faggots to play. Check out this excerpt:

"For those who have marveled at baseball's homoerotic rituals—the butt-slapping, the excessive man-hugs—let Jose Canseco, author of Juiced, add a more intimate encounter. Canseco claims that while he was playing for the Oakland A's in the late 1980s, he and teammate Mark McGwire would lock themselves in a bathroom stall and inject each other with steroids. Pause on that image for a moment. Canseco was 6 feet 4 inches and weighed in the neighborhood of 250 pounds; McGwire was 6 feet 5 inches and adding beef like an Arby's franchise—for the two of them to squeeze into a men's room stall must have presented something of a geometric challenge. Now imagine McGwire gently lowering his uniform pants while Canseco ("I'm a good injector") hovers over his derriere with a syringe, and add the fact that these men are enjoying this ritual immensely, even laughing about it, and there you have an enduring image of the Bash Brothers. Back, back, back, back, back—side!"

For the full story, visit here: http://www.slate.com/id/2113745/

And now, the hard evidence (get it?):

Day in Review

2006-05-14T02:03:00.000-07:00

San Diego Padres at Chicago Cubs
Closet Watch 2006: Piazza's still in the closet.

Oakland Athletics at New York Yankees
All proceeds from Yankees games this weekend go to charity. World hunger has been exterminated.

Los Angeles Dodgers at San Francisco Giants
Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth. The Giants won anyway.

Kansas City Royals at Baltimore Orioles
In an effort to compete, the Kansas City Royals have moved to AAA.

Philadelphia Phillies at Cincinnati Reds
A total of two runs were scored at Great American Ballpark. MLB is reviewing the game to make sure more than one inning was played.

Detroit Tigers at Cleveland Indians
The Tigers won 3-0. Drew Carey came out of retirement from comedy to tell a joke, but no one laughed, and he quickly returned to retirement.

Florida Marlins at Pittsburgh Pirates
A season-high 884 people saw the Florida Marlins top the Pittsburgh Pirates 4-3.

New York Mets at Milwaukee Brewers
Jose "Is my career over yet?" Lima took the mound for the Mets and helped pave the way for a 9-8 win.

Chicago White Sox at Minnesota Twins
Minnesota got the win. Ozzie Guillen affirmed the notion that he's out of his gourd.

Colorado Rockies at Houston Astros
In an interview following the game, Oswalt said, "I got kind of sick before the game. No excuses, that wasn't the problem." Will someone please define 'excuse' for him? If not, could someone get him a LiveJournal account?

Toronto Blue Jays at Tampa Bay Devil Rays
It was a battle of the two biggest baseball cities in the world, and the Blue Jays came out a winner.

Washington Nationals at Atlanta Braves
Jim Bowden is obviously guilty.

Seattle Mariners at Los Angeles Angels
The Mariners won, and the Angels decided to relocate.

Arizona Diamondbacks at St. Louis Cardinals
God called Albert Pujols and politely said, "Hey, Albert. Do you think you could stop hitting baseballs for a little while? You're kind of making me look bad." Pujols replied, "No, God. Not right now."

Day in Review

2006-05-13T10:58:00.000-07:00

San Diego Padres at Chicago Cubs
Mike Piazza stayed in the closet as the Padres defeated the Cubs 10-5. Angel Guzman displayed less control than Rick Sutcliffe at a brewery.

Oakland Athletics at New York Yankees
Despite having only ten players making eight-digit salaries, the Yankees squeaked by the Athletics 2-0.

Florida Marlins at Pittsburgh Pirates
In what may be a preview of the National League Championship Series, the Pirates managed to defeated the star-studded Florida Marlins by a score of 12-9.

Kansas City Royals at Baltimore Orioles
After sweeping the Indians, the Kansas City Royals were extremely confused. "Three wins in a row? Weird. Don't worry, Kansas City. We'll get things back to normal," said Elmer Dessens. Sure enough, Dessens followed through in giving up the losing run.

Philadelphia Phillies at Cincinnati Reds
The Reds appeared lethargic, hungry, and uncoordinated in addition to displaying the inability to complete thoughts during the loss to the Phillies. To combat the predicament, they released Bong.

Detroit Tigers at Cleveland Indians
Kenny Rogers got the win for the Tigers. During the celebration, he killed four cameramen. A fine from the league is pending.

Washington Nationals at Atlanta Braves
The Washington Nationals sucked, and the Braves won.

Texas Rangers at Boston Red Sox
The game ended before it got to the sixth inning. Wily Mo Pena was obviously frustrated. "I thought this was going to be the game it finally happened," said Pena. However, once again, Pena never got to complete his mission of hitting a curveball.

New York Mets at Milwaukee Brewers
Prince Fielder set a Major League record by eating five burritos between every inning, defeating the record once held by his father. "I keep getting on base," said Fielder, "and my dad said it's important for me to keep my weight on if I want to avoid being moved to a different position."

Toronto Blue Jays at Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Paul Maurice is the new head coach, but even Maurice couldn't stop the Devil Rays from defeating the Blue Jays.

Colorado Rockies at Houston Astros
Asked why there was such a pummeling of his squad, Manager Clint Hurtle stated, "Houston just got off a really bad road trip, so we thought it would be nice if we handed one to them. They seemed appreciative."

Chicago White Sox at Minnesota Twins
The Twins beat the White Sox as Juan Castro tied his career-high, one-RBI performance.

Arizona Diamondbacks at St. Louis Cardinals
The Cardinals won. Sidney Ponson drove into a pole on the way home.

Seattle Mariners at Los Angeles Angels
Adrian Beltre hit his second homerun of the season for the Mariners, and despite the loss, it proved that he's worth every penny in his $12.8 million salary.

Los Angeles Dodgers at San Francisco Giants
Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Barry Bonds did not tie Babe Ruth. Giants lost.

Day in Review

2006-05-11T22:16:00.000-07:00

Oakland Athletics at Toronto Blue Jays
The Blue Jays defeated the Athletics. However, it was during the hockey playoffs, and therefore, it did not count.

Houston Astros at Los Angeles Dodgers
Wandy Rodriguez pitched well for the win prior to revealing the story behind his name. "My parents thought for sure that I would die of SIDS, so they figured my name wouldn't matter. Boy, were they wrong," laughed Rodriguez.

Chicago Cubs at San Francisco Giants
The crowd gave Barry Bonds a standing ovation for his outstanding team play. Heh. But seriously, Bonds didn't tie Babe Ruth, so who cares about this game?

Milwaukee Brewers at San Diego Padres
The Brewers attempted to psych out the Padres by putting the pitchers in the position players' uniforms while at the plate, but it backfired as the Brewers lost and struck out 16 times, despite the last two innings of charity issued by Padres pitchers.

Atlanta Braves at Florida Marlins
Tim Hudson embarrassed himself by issuing an earned run. "I'm disappointed by my effort, but I promise to be more focused when this warm-up game is over," said Hudson. It was later revealed by MLB that the team Hudson pitched against was actually the Florida Marlins and not a warm-up game.

Boston Red Sex at New York Yankees
Hideki Matsui broke his wrist early in the game. Following the game, he said, "Well, it could have been worse. It could have been my masturbating hand. Or Hiroshima. That would have sucked, too."

New York Mets at Philadelphia Phillies
Aaron Rowand ran into a wall in his attempt to get the "Owen Wilson" look. Shane Victorino, best known for playing on the same team as Bobby Abreu, was Rowand's replacement and got a double, a triple, and Rowand's AIDs. Good job, man.

Washington Nationals at Cincinnati Reds
Ken Griffey, Jr. hit a walk-off homerun in the 11th inning to win the game for the Reds. During the celebration, he tore a hamstring, achilles, and bicep while fracturing his forearm, pulling a groin muscle, and getting a sports hernia.